Okay, so it’s no secret that I have delayed posting photos of my new breasts. Normally I am right on top of my photos and videos, but I’ve been so bummed out by the way I look that I haven’t even wanted to look at myself, much less share how I look. And that’s not really the nature of my site, I should have been better and been brave enough to share in case this happens, or is happening, to anyone else.
I have felt that the two sides looks so very different, and have been disappointed that my left side was lower than my right. The shapes were very different from each other. The scars were in different spots and pointing in different directions. It was very hard to look at, and I felt it was because I’m so close to the end that I’m just having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I’m never going to look normal.
Tonight I undressed for a shower and couldn’t believe how I look. First of all, there was a big circular area that I first thought was a bruise on the underside of my left breast. Then I realized it was a shadow, and that there is a large depression in that area. The area of my chest above the left breast looks skinny, like there’s no fat or muscle and you can see the outlines of my bones there. The left breast is now much lower than the right one, and in looking at it and touching it, it is almost as if the ‘hammock’ that was created by the alloderm has fallen and the implant is falling down inside my skin. I’ve been thinking that for some time, but thought I was just being silly or over-dramatic. But when Jon saw it tonight he was pretty freaked out and immediately started talking about how fast we need to get to Denver.
Actually, 2 days ago, before I noticed this, I scheduled an appointment with a new plastic surgeon to get his opinion of how things are going. I just felt like something was wrong. That appointment is on December 1st, but I’m a little freaked out to say the least. I’m going to see if I can find someone that can see me tomorrow. Jeepers I work with like 15 doctors, someone should be able to see me! But really, they aren’t reconstruction surgeons, so they may not be able to help.
And of course, there could be nothing wrong at all. We’ll see. But I did finally get photos. The problem doesn’t look as significant in the photos as it does in real life, and the lighting isn’t so great so you might be able to tell very much, but here goes anyway….
Photos, 5 weeks since the removal of expanders and the placement of the implants:
So, on what would be your right, you can see a little bit of difference. You can see that the one on your left slopes down from my upper chest to the breast, and the right one has more of the ‘stuck on’ look that the expanders had. Also, you can’t really tell how far down the breast on your right ends, but it’s actually about even with my elbow, and the other side has a defined curve and muscle attachment below it.
From this angle you can see the flatness of both breasts, but you can also see the difference in the way the one on your right looks.
You can kind of see in this photo the depression on the under side of the breast, as well as the kind of half moon shape under my breast-that is actually implant way down there. I can feel it.
This is what the ‘normal’ side looks like (ha ha ha, who would have thought my reality could change so much that this would become my ‘normal’??)
From this angle you can see, especially when compared with the one above, how this breast isn’t as defined, and how much implant is hanging down.
This is crazy. And very upsetting. I can’t imagine this can be fixed without another surgery. Will I have to start all over on that side? Will they have to remove the alloderm if it’s damaged, or can it be tacked up like a muscle? Will I ever look normal again? Will this ever be over???
Ugh. I know you are all sending thoughts and prayers, and I’ll keep you updated as soon as I can find something out. And I’m going to do my best to find someone to see me tomorrow.