Coming Face To Face With My New Body
This morning started off as a normal Sunday around the house, making breakfast, enjoying a relaxing cup of coffee before the day got started. It’s Halloween, and we decided as a family to go to Grand Junction to get Jamie a costume at the last minute.
I was walking around the house in my pjs for awhile. My top was a little tight, and while looking down I noticed that without the bandages that we removed last night, my breasts were a little odd shaped. Kind of flat across the front. I pulled up my shirt to investigate and could tell that on either side of each incision there is some swelling and there are still stitches under the skin, causing the ends to pouf out a little bit and making my breasts look flat. I remember that last time I was swollen in the same places and it eventually went down, leaving a nicer round shape.
So we trekked to Grand Junction, about an hour away. We bought Jamie a hysterical chicken suit (I’m so lucky he has such a great sense of humor!) and walked around a bit. We pigged out on mall food and decided to go home.
As we were leaving the mall, we passed Victoria’s Secret. I’ve been wanting a new bra, I haven’t bought one yet, and decided it was a great way to celebrate the end of the second phase of breast reconstruction since my bandages were removed.
So I walked through VS, excited about new girly things. I picked out something without a lot of padding and in fun colors. I picked out a pretty aqua bra and a royal blue one. I thought splurging should include fun as well as function!
Although I had been measured right after the implants were put in, I still wanted to try on the bras to make sure they fit properly. I went into the fitting room and took off my sweater and bra and took a look at my beautiful new scars.
I almost dropped to my knees. I think I said “oh, no, no” out loud. I felt like I had been hit in my stomach as I looked at myself without bandages for the first time.
I was not prepared for how I look. Not even close.
The swelling has gone down a lot. My right breast looks misshappen. The scar is almost in the same place as before the surgery. Under my bresast the skin tucks under kind of like it should, but around the breast bone it’s a little odd.
My left breast scar is much higher, which I think is the biggest contributor to my shock. The scars were even when I had the expanders. The scars being so different, not symetrical, makes the whole thing look worse. Also, the skin under my left breast doesn’t tuck under like the other side. I can tell by looking that not only is the implant lower on that side, but it’s sitting differently, or the muscles are different, or something.
I think more than anything it had just been about a week since I really looked at myself. Probably since the last published photos. I’ve changed a lot since then, and the removal of the bandages revealing the mis-matched scars was surprising because last time the scars were even.
Anyway, I swallowed my sadness and tried on the bras. Covering up my breasts made me feel better. I put my clothes back on and left the fitting room, but I was still devistated.
Jon and Jamie were waiting, expecting me to be excited. I couldn’t look at them. I couldn’t speak to them because I knew I would cry. I put the blue bra back, but I decided to keep the aqua one because I knew I will come to terms with this and wish I had it. I’ve always wanted an aqua bra. Jon and Jamie just stood there while I tried to pull myself together. I finally just said “I hadn’t seen myself without bandages” and cried a little bit. I paid for my items and we left, saying very little.
I always kept in the back of my mind that I am certain I made the right choice to have my surgery. I don’t regret it. But it is difficult sometimes to come to terms with how much my body has changed. I had a discussion about it with one of my nurses. She had a biopsy from the top of her breast 5 years ago. She said that even now, every time she looks at herself she is reminded of what she went through.
Ironically, while writing this post I recieved an email notification of the reply made by Eva about my “hardest” post. She is very much at peace with herself, and has wonderful words to share for all of us, and I thought it was very well timed. I wish I could be at the same place she is. I think I will be there, but I’m just not there yet.
I think I have been more upset since the implant swap because while in the expander phase I always had hope that at the end of this I would end up looking fairly normal. Each step of the way, as I’m closer to the end, I realize there is a large chance that won’t happen. I think I’m now mourning the loss that I was working so hard to deny before.
It will get better. It’s not that bad. I was just not prepared for the sight that awaited me today. I’ll get through this, it’s just a silly part of my body that no one sees anyway, but I’m learning I’m not as invinsable as I thought.
The Hardest Post I’ve Ever Written – GRAPHIC CONTENT!
Let me start by making sure you know I’m not writing this in a sour or bitter tone at all. I just thought it was important at this stage to be very honest about how I’m feeling one week after my 2nd step of reconstruction. I have reduced my risk of cancer from 40% to less than 2%, and if nothing else I have given myself a chance to live. There is nothing more powerful or profound, and I am thankful for that chance. I am thankful to no longer be afraid of my body. But it’s not an easy journey.
Tomorrow will be one week from my implant swap. Almost 9 months to the day from my mastectomy surgery. And one year since my first Baja trip that changed my life on many different levels.
It staggers my mind to think of how much has changed since one year ago, 9 months ago, and even one week ago.
I lost a job that I love, friends that I love, and a body I was at home with. But I have gained a purpose, new friends, and a new outlook on life.
But let me say that I do miss my friends, lost for different reasons along the way. I know sometimes you still read my blog, so know I miss you and still love you.
It took a few days for me to get fully back on my feet. If I had an office job, I could have gone back to work today. I look forward to going back to work soon, I’m feeling a little stale in my brain.
The difference between expanders and implants is impossible to fully describe. I am going to do a video soon, and I think that will do a much better job of showing how dramatically different they are. But I’m not ready to do the video yet, but I do have photos to share.
Breast expanders are very hard. They are odd looking. They make you feel freakish, and if you don’t have a sense of humor you might cry a lot. You learn to joke about poking people and not feeling it, having foobs, titanium boos, frankenboobs, grapefruits, basketballboobs, barbie boobs…really the jokes can be endless.
But the reality is that having breast expanders is difficult. It’s hard on your body, but it’s also hard on your mind, spirit, and sexuality. You lose nerve endings not only in such a large portion of your body (collar bone to mid ribs, armpit to armpit), but also in an erogenous zone. Graphically speaking, your breast are scooped out, burned out, and then replaced with extremely hard plastic balls that you voluntarily go and have enlarged over a period of months. In some cases, like mine, your nipples are removed and discarded like trash.
Just when you’re healed, and have sort of come to terms with your body you get to do it all over again…remove the expanders and place implants. Your implants are called ‘high profile’ so that they stand out like a ‘normal’ breast instead of laying flat to boost breast tissue as in a normal augmentation.
I had a lot of complications after my mastectomy surgery and with the expanders. My complications are documented throughout my blog and videos so I’m not going to go through it again, but I also had it easy compared to some. My friend Teri…that’s a story that will break your heart. So it could have been worse, and I’m thankful that many of my friends had it much easier. All of our stories are a little different.
My implant swap went without a hitch, and I seem to be healing well. I have an appointment for my next surgery after Christmas. I will be having my first session of fat grafting and the first stage of nipple reconstruction. I had not decided fully on nipple reconstruction until a few months ago. As a matter of fact, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to do it. My breasts were looking so freakish, why make it worse by trying to put a fake but normal nipple on them? But now that I can wear bras again I think that looking at myself and seeing a nipple will help me heal. On the inside.
I know my post right after my implant swap was pretty optimistic (which I always try to be), and I even posted a reply a few days ago that I thought one day no one would be able to tell that I had such a radical surgery. Well, I’m not on drugs anymore and so I would like to say I definately had on rose colored glasses when I wrote that. But let me be fair, I have no idea what things will look like after fat grafting and nipple reconstruction, and Jon keeps telling me to be patient (if you know me, you know this is something I hear all the time because I AM NOT PATIENT!). So we’ll see.
And of course I will show you.
But as of right now I am in some ways thrilled and in other ways totally devistated.
I am thrilled because I’m so soft! My skin feels differently, my body feels like it did before surgery. I did a video where I poked and pounded on my chest to show how hard it was. I could never do that now. Now if I poke, everything moves! My skin is soft. My breasts are soft. I can lay in any position and sleeping doesn’t hurt. 9 months of pain and freakishness are gone. And it is a huge relief.
I am devistated because I still look weird. My plastic surgeon was kind enough to give me their photos from right before my mastectomy surgery and also from right before the removal of the expanders. I have taken photos from 5 days post op of the implant swap (when the expanders were removed and the implants put in). These photos show you how I looked when I was a real girl, how awkward and strange expanders are, and what I’m like right now. I would like to point out that the photo posted a few days ago is no longer accurate, I had a lot of swelling and the size and shape of my breasts has changed a lot. I kind of liked those boobies. But they left me too. This is the photo I’m referring to:
1 Day Post Op with Drains
So here we go with the full, unedited version of what a body goes through during mastectomy and reconstruction, at least to this point. I received the photos of my pre surgery body just yesterday and it broke my heart a little bit. I didn’t have any photos, I didn’t take any before surgery for myself. So take a deep breath…
Before Mastectomy
Expanders After 9 Months
Implants 5 Days Post Op
Before Mastectomy
Expanders After 9 Months
Implants 5 Days Post Op
Before Mastectomy
Expanders After 9 Months
Implants 5 Days Post Op
Before Mastectomy
Expanders After 9 Months
Implants 5 Days Post Op
So there you go. Please don’t misunderstand my post, I am thankful, and happy. But I don’t believe there is a person out there that could go through this type of change without some feeling of loss. I know many people find my blog looking for answers and insight about their future and so I want to be honest and open about how I feel and what I’m going through. I couldn’t find the information I needed before surgery and so I created this site and blog and I promised to hold nothing back.
Don’t feel badly for me, I have taken control of my future as much as I can and taken steps to save my life. It’s a good thing. It’s a wonderful choice. But it’s not without difficult moments. But I will take the difficult moments and pain and discomfort to have a longer life, and to hopefully spare myself the pain my mom has gone through for so long. And if you are on this journey too, I wish you the best and offer all of the encouragement I can.
Thank you to all of my readers, the silent ones and the vocal ones. It makes all of the difference in the world to know I’m not alone.
Notes From A Stressed Out Mind
Hmmmm, it’s been a crazy week. Ha! I guess it’s really been a crazy life, but let’s just talk about the recent days.
All of a sudden, Courage is growing rapidly. We should reach 50,000 YouTube views by June 1st, and 100,000 views in August. We now sometimes hear from several women a day, and that is the best news of all. I have also found some pretty amazing women myself, and my wheels are turning in my mind about ways to make them part of my Courage Vision.
Details About My Surgery
I’m so sorry about the audio, I was speaking softly so that my son wouldn’t overhear and get upset. Please turn your speakers up if needed.
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