Well, not fell off exactly, but it’s a catchy title huh? How about “My Boobie Fell Down?”
My surprise at the appearance of my left breast was not my imagination. I was able to get in to see a doctor on Friday. Luckily, it was the same doctor that treated me during and after my blood clot in January and February and was already familiar with my progress (Dr. M). I also made an appointment for Monday with my plastic surgeon in Denver (Dr. W). Both were very enlightening appointments.
As soon as Dr. M opened my drape he said “Ohhh, yeah, that’s not right”. I felt so much better. At least it wasn’t just my overactive imagination. He felt the breast and the area underneath it and confirmed my thoughts, either the implant was ruptured or something was torn and it was sliding down my abdominal wall. He told me it wasn’t an emergency, and I wasn’t in any danger, but it did need to get looked at by my plastic surgeon as soon as possible.
I really like this doctor so much because he’s the first one I’ve ever been seen by that talks to me like a human, a friend, like he really cares what’s going on. Of course I also pretty much credit him with saving my life when the hospital totally mistreated me as a mastectomy patient when I had my blood clot, so I guess you tend to have a different type relationship with the doctor that ‘saved your life’. After talking about the obvious problem of the current placement of my implant, he started asking some other very good questions.
He pointed to the edges of the scars on both sides, where they are kind of puckered. He called these ‘dog ears’, and asked if Dr. W was going to fix my dog ears. I answered that I didn’t know, we hadn’t talked about it, but that I guess I had just assumed that he would. Fixing those would help correct the flat look. He then drew a circle on my left breast and asked if I was going to have nipple reconstruction. I told him that I had just finally scheduled it, and would be doing basically a little twist of skin and tattooing.
He looked at my chart and said “You’re only 38. You’re young. Why would you settle for nipple tattooing that will need to be touched up later and won’t ever really look real? Don’t settle for less than as real as possible. You won’t be satisfied.” I kind of blinked and thought ‘why AM i settling for whatever my doctor tells me is normal? why do i have to readjust ‘normal’?’ He then suggested skin grafting. Ouch. I told him about my friend Heather (Hi Heather!) and how painful that was for her, but that I had seen photos and they looked amazing. He said “Yeah, it hurts. But there’s nothing that can compare to the results, and you’ll have a week of discomfort and then have as close to normal looking nipples as possible instead of having tattoos forever that you aren’t happy with. I strongly suggest you think about this.”
Hmmmm. So then I mentioned that I wasn’t really happy with the shape or size of the reconstruction so far. What he said next was the most important thing that anyone has said since I began this journey.
“Why are you willing to settle for this? If you are not happy, you need to tell your doctor on Monday. And listen to what he has to say about this repair and the rest of your reconstruction, and if he’s not willing to make your reconstruction what you imagine it should be, or at least try, say “Thank you” and leave and get another opinion. Do not accept less than what you deserve from reconstruction, even if you have to go somewhere else to get what you want.”
I thought about this a lot over the weekend. I get so many emails from other women that are unhappy in different phases of their reconstruction. Why are we so willing to take whatever is given to us in the end, and accept where we are left? I understand that some of us have radiation and chemo that damages skin, and we all have different shapes and sizes to begin with that can only be stretched and manipulated so much, but why are we so ready and willing to accept someone else’s definition of what is normal for us? I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we feel a little beaten. And a lot less than normal, or whole, and we look to our surgeons for advice and to save our bodies from the ashes of reconstruction. But he was right, it’s up to me to express that I’m unhappy, and to look to other answers if I’m not getting the feedback I should.
I did feel that I expressed to Dr. W during my post op appointment that I was unhappy about the results. I had decided to make sure we were on the same page when I went back on Monday to have my latest problem examined.
It was funny to walk through the office and see the nurses looking at my chest (it is obvious at a glance that something is ‘off’). If you know me, you know I try to keep people laughing and smiling, so when they asked me how I was doing I answered “Great! I mean, except that my boob fell off”. They all think I’m a little goofy.
Dr. W came in right away and immediately said “Oh, yes, I see the problem”. Ha ha ha, really? Don’t get me wrong, I like my surgeon a lot, and I trust him, but this situation is stressful and yet funny in a bizarre way. Anyway, he explained that I have popped the stitches below the breast, causing the implant to slide down my abdominal wall. He said that it shouldn’t go any lower. He said he could restitch the areas when I came in for my next stage on December 30th. I mentioned that it was the same side that used to be flat underneath, and he said “Only God can make curves” (but I ‘ve always had a curve on the other side? did only one stitch pop on that side? I’m so confused!) and he explained that it might look flat again after he does the repair. They also ordered another implant, in case this one is either already damaged or gets damaged when they remove it to do the repair. So they will re-open me, remove the implant, restitch the alloderm to my chest muscle, and then replace the implant. I’m assuming I won’t have drains because they will be doing the first fat transfer at that time.
We talked a little more about it, and I mentioned that I think the stitches were torn right away because, as I had mentioned at my last appointment, I was kind of unhappy with how things were turning out and that it was mostly because the two sides were so different. He was surprised that I was unhappy, and didn’t remember me expressing that in my last appointment. And to his credit, I probably was kind of nice about it and only hinted at my unhappiness and expected him to get it. Well, I’m a woman hinting that she’s unhappy to a man that just made boobies. Like he’s going to hear a hint! Totally my fault for not being more straight forward.
After he left the room I sat with the nurse and went over the next apointment and what to expect. I said “I know you’re tired of me saying this…” and she said “…but you want them bigger”. I explained that it probably sounded vain to her, and that I knew Dr. W was satisfied with my results, but that I”m not. We go through this a lot. Pretty much every appointment he tells me the size looks great, I tell him I want bigger. Even my video of my last expander fill has this conversation. He had said during my post op appointment that my size was good because I have an athletic build (I think I’ve already talked about this). I was shocked. I will agree that I have tiny arms, shoulders, ribs and upper body. I’m not athletic, and I’m very curvy. I have come to terms with this, and I’m proud of my curves! I like having a curvy butt! But I would like to be porportioned better, and now is the only time for the rest of my life that I have this chance. Once we’re finished, we’re finished. I said all of this to her. She said I really don’t have a lot of fat to transfer, and I said “take it all!”. Afterall, I’m a southern girl that loves food, I’m sure I’ll make more! I’ve had a curvy butt for over 20 years, I don’t think I’ll have trouble getting it back. And I didn’t mean for them to take all of my butt, I meant to take all of the extra fat, even if they don’t think there’s ‘very much’.
I have another appointment right before surgery to discuss everything. Before then, I have 2 appointments with 2 other surgeons to get their opinions of what exactly is reasonable to expect, and what is possible. I did cancel my nipple reconstruction, and I’m seriously considering the skin grafting. I plan on talking to the other doctors about that too. After this experience (the fallen breast), I know I want to wait until my scars are very faded before I do any nipple reconstruction. I want to make sure everything else is finished first. No more fat transfers, no more swelling, no more anything, just nipples. I still trust my surgeon, but I need to hear from someone else what is possible and realistic. I don’t wan’t to walk away with what Dr. W thinks is the body I should have, I want to walk away with the best reconstruction I can have.
But more important than sharing this part of my story with you, I want to make sure that you also ‘heard’ exactly what Dr. M said. DON’T settle for what someone else thinks is right for you. No matter your age or point in life, we go through reconstruction for OURSELVES, no one else. We deserve to have the best results possible for our bodies, and we owe it to ourselves to speak up if we feel that something is not as good as it can be. And there is nothing wrong with getting another opinion. Reconstruction is something we hopefully will only go through once. It may be a pain in the butt, but if you need to, drive to see another surgeon. Get all of the information. Don’t settle. You’ve been through enough. You deserve to feel beautiful.
This morning started off as a normal Sunday around the house, making breakfast, enjoying a relaxing cup of coffee before the day got started. It’s Halloween, and we decided as a family to go to Grand Junction to get Jamie a costume at the last minute.
I was walking around the house in my pjs for awhile. My top was a little tight, and while looking down I noticed that without the bandages that we removed last night, my breasts were a little odd shaped. Kind of flat across the front. I pulled up my shirt to investigate and could tell that on either side of each incision there is some swelling and there are still stitches under the skin, causing the ends to pouf out a little bit and making my breasts look flat. I remember that last time I was swollen in the same places and it eventually went down, leaving a nicer round shape.
So we trekked to Grand Junction, about an hour away. We bought Jamie a hysterical chicken suit (I’m so lucky he has such a great sense of humor!) and walked around a bit. We pigged out on mall food and decided to go home.
As we were leaving the mall, we passed Victoria’s Secret. I’ve been wanting a new bra, I haven’t bought one yet, and decided it was a great way to celebrate the end of the second phase of breast reconstruction since my bandages were removed.
So I walked through VS, excited about new girly things. I picked out something without a lot of padding and in fun colors. I picked out a pretty aqua bra and a royal blue one. I thought splurging should include fun as well as function!
Although I had been measured right after the implants were put in, I still wanted to try on the bras to make sure they fit properly. I went into the fitting room and took off my sweater and bra and took a look at my beautiful new scars.
I almost dropped to my knees. I think I said “oh, no, no” out loud. I felt like I had been hit in my stomach as I looked at myself without bandages for the first time.
I was not prepared for how I look. Not even close.
The swelling has gone down a lot. My right breast looks misshappen. The scar is almost in the same place as before the surgery. Under my bresast the skin tucks under kind of like it should, but around the breast bone it’s a little odd.
My left breast scar is much higher, which I think is the biggest contributor to my shock. The scars were even when I had the expanders. The scars being so different, not symetrical, makes the whole thing look worse. Also, the skin under my left breast doesn’t tuck under like the other side. I can tell by looking that not only is the implant lower on that side, but it’s sitting differently, or the muscles are different, or something.
I think more than anything it had just been about a week since I really looked at myself. Probably since the last published photos. I’ve changed a lot since then, and the removal of the bandages revealing the mis-matched scars was surprising because last time the scars were even.
Anyway, I swallowed my sadness and tried on the bras. Covering up my breasts made me feel better. I put my clothes back on and left the fitting room, but I was still devistated.
Jon and Jamie were waiting, expecting me to be excited. I couldn’t look at them. I couldn’t speak to them because I knew I would cry. I put the blue bra back, but I decided to keep the aqua one because I knew I will come to terms with this and wish I had it. I’ve always wanted an aqua bra. Jon and Jamie just stood there while I tried to pull myself together. I finally just said “I hadn’t seen myself without bandages” and cried a little bit. I paid for my items and we left, saying very little.
I always kept in the back of my mind that I am certain I made the right choice to have my surgery. I don’t regret it. But it is difficult sometimes to come to terms with how much my body has changed. I had a discussion about it with one of my nurses. She had a biopsy from the top of her breast 5 years ago. She said that even now, every time she looks at herself she is reminded of what she went through.
Ironically, while writing this post I recieved an email notification of the reply made by Eva about my “hardest” post. She is very much at peace with herself, and has wonderful words to share for all of us, and I thought it was very well timed. I wish I could be at the same place she is. I think I will be there, but I’m just not there yet.
I think I have been more upset since the implant swap because while in the expander phase I always had hope that at the end of this I would end up looking fairly normal. Each step of the way, as I’m closer to the end, I realize there is a large chance that won’t happen. I think I’m now mourning the loss that I was working so hard to deny before.
It will get better. It’s not that bad. I was just not prepared for the sight that awaited me today. I’ll get through this, it’s just a silly part of my body that no one sees anyway, but I’m learning I’m not as invinsable as I thought.
Courage Blog is almost 4 months old and we have reached the incredible mark of over 1,200 visitors and over 13,000 video views on YouTube! That’s not visits, but individual visitors. Thank you to all of you that have spread the word and have helped make Courage such a success in such a short time!
Yesterday’s trip to Denver was a success, I was able to have all 4 drains removed from my chest and the pain has been reduced tremendously and I have a much better range of movement. I have taken myself off most of my pain meds, they seemed to be making me more sensitive to pain and of course very groogy. I feel much better and only use them now to help with the pain laying down and trying to sleep. I have a few more days of shots in my stomach, on Monday I will go in for a blood test…the magic number is 2! If my number is 2 or above I will be okay to stop these awful shots for my blod clot. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
So much has happened in the last week that I don’t know how I’ll catch up with my updates, but I have learned so much and have so much to share.
First, let me assure you that I am doing okay. There have been some bumps in the road over the last 7 days, but today is a wonderful day and I’m finally feeling myself. I will post some additional posts and videos this weekend, but all in all the surgery went very well and I’m on the road to recovery.
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