Wise Words From a Psychiatrist About PBM
Today I had a wonderful ‘visit’ with a psychiatrist. He’s helping me personally, and also helping me put together a program for women facing and recovering from breast reconstruction. Helping women like me cope with the psychological effects of recovery. It was very informative, he told me that the psychology behind the decision to have prophylactic bilateral mastectomy is very interesting. He said that it obviously shows a strong woman, a woman that is willing to face the fear and pain of the surgery and reconstruction to prolong her life. It also shows that the woman is thoughtful of her health, willing to go through the surgery and reconstruction to stay healthy instead of taking the chance that she won’t get breast cancer. It also shows that she is more concerned about having a long healthy life than she is about how she looks, and is willing to give up her breasts to live a longer life. I think this is very important for the women that are faced with the comment “it’s just like having implants”, because I think the most hurtful part of that statement ISN’T the suggestion that we won’t face more hurt or emotions or trauma than a woman getting implants, but that we are doing it because of how we want to look. Those people that say those things have no idea that we will never look like a ‘normal’ woman again, and that the size of the implant has nothing to do with replacing or making better the breasts we had prior to surgery. There is simply no comparison between our bodies before and after surgery.
I mentioned to him that many of my ‘breast friends’ seem to be going through a little depression. He explained it very well in that we put so much of our energy and emotions into getting through the surgery. We create possitive energy for ourselves without even realizing it, just to get us through, because although we have support from our family and friends, no one really knows how much it takes just to get through it. Once we are through the mastectomy and are facing the delays and trials of reconstruction, we hit a low point because we have expended so much energy getting through to the recovery, just surviving and being there for our family and friends. Although we need them, we often end up having to put on a brave face for them, and it’s just sometimes more than we can do. We fall into a depression, where we need to sleep and withdraw and recover the energy that it took us just to get through the surgery. Not to mention the grieving process, because there is a grieving process as we lose a part of our body, and it doesn’t mean we’re shallow or vain to mourn that loss.
As he explained that to me I felt a light bulb go off! That’s exactly right! And it immediately brought to mind my little break down at Scorpion Bay in Baja after finding the lump that lead to all of this. I remember being devistated, and crying and crying, not because of what I faced, but because it was the only time I felt that I could. Once I came home and started my journey for real I needed to be strong for my family. I couldn’t break down and be devistated in front of them, if i did, who would get them through it?
I think having a ‘group’ would be great. I know there are a lot of groups out there talking about breast cancer, or other types of cancer, but I really feel that my focus with my own projects should be reconstruction. And luckily he’s willing to help out as well. So now I’m putting together a little session for women in the area that are facing this journey too. I can’t wait to get started.
The Hardest Post I’ve Ever Written – GRAPHIC CONTENT!
Let me start by making sure you know I’m not writing this in a sour or bitter tone at all. I just thought it was important at this stage to be very honest about how I’m feeling one week after my 2nd step of reconstruction. I have reduced my risk of cancer from 40% to less than 2%, and if nothing else I have given myself a chance to live. There is nothing more powerful or profound, and I am thankful for that chance. I am thankful to no longer be afraid of my body. But it’s not an easy journey.
Tomorrow will be one week from my implant swap. Almost 9 months to the day from my mastectomy surgery. And one year since my first Baja trip that changed my life on many different levels.
It staggers my mind to think of how much has changed since one year ago, 9 months ago, and even one week ago.
I lost a job that I love, friends that I love, and a body I was at home with. But I have gained a purpose, new friends, and a new outlook on life.
But let me say that I do miss my friends, lost for different reasons along the way. I know sometimes you still read my blog, so know I miss you and still love you.
It took a few days for me to get fully back on my feet. If I had an office job, I could have gone back to work today. I look forward to going back to work soon, I’m feeling a little stale in my brain.
The difference between expanders and implants is impossible to fully describe. I am going to do a video soon, and I think that will do a much better job of showing how dramatically different they are. But I’m not ready to do the video yet, but I do have photos to share.
Breast expanders are very hard. They are odd looking. They make you feel freakish, and if you don’t have a sense of humor you might cry a lot. You learn to joke about poking people and not feeling it, having foobs, titanium boos, frankenboobs, grapefruits, basketballboobs, barbie boobs…really the jokes can be endless.
But the reality is that having breast expanders is difficult. It’s hard on your body, but it’s also hard on your mind, spirit, and sexuality. You lose nerve endings not only in such a large portion of your body (collar bone to mid ribs, armpit to armpit), but also in an erogenous zone. Graphically speaking, your breast are scooped out, burned out, and then replaced with extremely hard plastic balls that you voluntarily go and have enlarged over a period of months. In some cases, like mine, your nipples are removed and discarded like trash.
Just when you’re healed, and have sort of come to terms with your body you get to do it all over again…remove the expanders and place implants. Your implants are called ‘high profile’ so that they stand out like a ‘normal’ breast instead of laying flat to boost breast tissue as in a normal augmentation.
I had a lot of complications after my mastectomy surgery and with the expanders. My complications are documented throughout my blog and videos so I’m not going to go through it again, but I also had it easy compared to some. My friend Teri…that’s a story that will break your heart. So it could have been worse, and I’m thankful that many of my friends had it much easier. All of our stories are a little different.
My implant swap went without a hitch, and I seem to be healing well. I have an appointment for my next surgery after Christmas. I will be having my first session of fat grafting and the first stage of nipple reconstruction. I had not decided fully on nipple reconstruction until a few months ago. As a matter of fact, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to do it. My breasts were looking so freakish, why make it worse by trying to put a fake but normal nipple on them? But now that I can wear bras again I think that looking at myself and seeing a nipple will help me heal. On the inside.
I know my post right after my implant swap was pretty optimistic (which I always try to be), and I even posted a reply a few days ago that I thought one day no one would be able to tell that I had such a radical surgery. Well, I’m not on drugs anymore and so I would like to say I definately had on rose colored glasses when I wrote that. But let me be fair, I have no idea what things will look like after fat grafting and nipple reconstruction, and Jon keeps telling me to be patient (if you know me, you know this is something I hear all the time because I AM NOT PATIENT!). So we’ll see.
And of course I will show you.
But as of right now I am in some ways thrilled and in other ways totally devistated.
I am thrilled because I’m so soft! My skin feels differently, my body feels like it did before surgery. I did a video where I poked and pounded on my chest to show how hard it was. I could never do that now. Now if I poke, everything moves! My skin is soft. My breasts are soft. I can lay in any position and sleeping doesn’t hurt. 9 months of pain and freakishness are gone. And it is a huge relief.
I am devistated because I still look weird. My plastic surgeon was kind enough to give me their photos from right before my mastectomy surgery and also from right before the removal of the expanders. I have taken photos from 5 days post op of the implant swap (when the expanders were removed and the implants put in). These photos show you how I looked when I was a real girl, how awkward and strange expanders are, and what I’m like right now. I would like to point out that the photo posted a few days ago is no longer accurate, I had a lot of swelling and the size and shape of my breasts has changed a lot. I kind of liked those boobies. But they left me too. 
This is the photo I’m referring to:
1 Day Post Op with Drains
So here we go with the full, unedited version of what a body goes through during mastectomy and reconstruction, at least to this point. I received the photos of my pre surgery body just yesterday and it broke my heart a little bit. I didn’t have any photos, I didn’t take any before surgery for myself. So take a deep breath…
Before Mastectomy
Expanders After 9 Months
Implants 5 Days Post Op
Before Mastectomy
Expanders After 9 Months
Implants 5 Days Post Op
Before Mastectomy
Expanders After 9 Months
Implants 5 Days Post Op
Before Mastectomy
Expanders After 9 Months
Implants 5 Days Post Op
So there you go. Please don’t misunderstand my post, I am thankful, and happy. But I don’t believe there is a person out there that could go through this type of change without some feeling of loss. I know many people find my blog looking for answers and insight about their future and so I want to be honest and open about how I feel and what I’m going through. I couldn’t find the information I needed before surgery and so I created this site and blog and I promised to hold nothing back.
Don’t feel badly for me, I have taken control of my future as much as I can and taken steps to save my life. It’s a good thing. It’s a wonderful choice. But it’s not without difficult moments. But I will take the difficult moments and pain and discomfort to have a longer life, and to hopefully spare myself the pain my mom has gone through for so long. And if you are on this journey too, I wish you the best and offer all of the encouragement I can.
Thank you to all of my readers, the silent ones and the vocal ones. It makes all of the difference in the world to know I’m not alone.
A Week Of Silence
So much has happened in the last week that I don’t know how I’ll catch up with my updates, but I have learned so much and have so much to share.
First, let me assure you that I am doing okay. There have been some bumps in the road over the last 7 days, but today is a wonderful day and I’m finally feeling myself. I will post some additional posts and videos this weekend, but all in all the surgery went very well and I’m on the road to recovery.
Finding Courage To Change My Life
I have great memories of my senior year of high school. Our principal was a quirky guy, and he often let us take an extra few moments between classes to ‘stop and smell the roses’. I remember he would tell us that we were the masters of our own destiny, the captain of our ship. I believe that is true, I just think so many of us are frightened of change and too often let our ships drift along without a true captain.
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