Wise Words From a Psychiatrist About PBM
Today I had a wonderful ‘visit’ with a psychiatrist. He’s helping me personally, and also helping me put together a program for women facing and recovering from breast reconstruction. Helping women like me cope with the psychological effects of recovery. It was very informative, he told me that the psychology behind the decision to have prophylactic bilateral mastectomy is very interesting. He said that it obviously shows a strong woman, a woman that is willing to face the fear and pain of the surgery and reconstruction to prolong her life. It also shows that the woman is thoughtful of her health, willing to go through the surgery and reconstruction to stay healthy instead of taking the chance that she won’t get breast cancer. It also shows that she is more concerned about having a long healthy life than she is about how she looks, and is willing to give up her breasts to live a longer life. I think this is very important for the women that are faced with the comment “it’s just like having implants”, because I think the most hurtful part of that statement ISN’T the suggestion that we won’t face more hurt or emotions or trauma than a woman getting implants, but that we are doing it because of how we want to look. Those people that say those things have no idea that we will never look like a ‘normal’ woman again, and that the size of the implant has nothing to do with replacing or making better the breasts we had prior to surgery. There is simply no comparison between our bodies before and after surgery.
I mentioned to him that many of my ‘breast friends’ seem to be going through a little depression. He explained it very well in that we put so much of our energy and emotions into getting through the surgery. We create possitive energy for ourselves without even realizing it, just to get us through, because although we have support from our family and friends, no one really knows how much it takes just to get through it. Once we are through the mastectomy and are facing the delays and trials of reconstruction, we hit a low point because we have expended so much energy getting through to the recovery, just surviving and being there for our family and friends. Although we need them, we often end up having to put on a brave face for them, and it’s just sometimes more than we can do. We fall into a depression, where we need to sleep and withdraw and recover the energy that it took us just to get through the surgery. Not to mention the grieving process, because there is a grieving process as we lose a part of our body, and it doesn’t mean we’re shallow or vain to mourn that loss.
As he explained that to me I felt a light bulb go off! That’s exactly right! And it immediately brought to mind my little break down at Scorpion Bay in Baja after finding the lump that lead to all of this. I remember being devistated, and crying and crying, not because of what I faced, but because it was the only time I felt that I could. Once I came home and started my journey for real I needed to be strong for my family. I couldn’t break down and be devistated in front of them, if i did, who would get them through it?
I think having a ‘group’ would be great. I know there are a lot of groups out there talking about breast cancer, or other types of cancer, but I really feel that my focus with my own projects should be reconstruction. And luckily he’s willing to help out as well. So now I’m putting together a little session for women in the area that are facing this journey too. I can’t wait to get started.
Titanium Boobs and Intimacy, or Stupid Things People Say, Part Two
If you’re my friend on Facebook you may have already seen this story. Last weekend I was at a concert at the local fair and talking to someone about breast cancer and what I’ve been through this year. It was an interesting conversation, her mom had breast cancer many years ago and it was interesting to hear how things have changed over the years.
This beautiful women looked at me at one point in the conversation and said “You should feel very lucky that your husband can still find you attractive after your surgery. You’re very fortunate he hasn’t left you.”
Wow. What do you say to that?
Now, I will say that Jon would have a million reasons to leave me, with or without titanium boobs. I’m not easy to live with, not even close. Maybe that’s why he lets me leave home so often! 
I’m a trainwreck, overly ambitious, strong willed, stubborn, and aggressive. But to desire me, or not, because of my surgery?
Anyway, I was floored. So what were my choices, to not have surgery because I may no longer be sexy to men (if I ever was) and wait for cancer?
It did get me thinking about it, and about my body on an intimate level. I still kind of ignore my chest since the surgery, it’s still hard for me to look at. So if it’s hard for me to look at, it makes sense that it would be hard for a man to look at me and feel anything other than curiosity. My blogging friends stay away from the talks of what we go through after this surgery as far as intimacy goes, but maybe that’s not a good idea. Maybe we need to talk about it. Maybe someone reading this feels exactly like the woman at the concert.
Let me address the comment first of all. I would like to think that I wouldn’t be married to someone that would find me unattractive in my current state. I like to think that my brain, courage, and fire would be the real reason for a man to be attracted to me, not because of my breasts. And if Jon married me for my boobs in the first place that would be stupid, they weren’t amazing to begin with. But I still miss them.
Anyway, I agree that if a man is sensitive to medical procedures he may be turned off by the scars and recovery process. If a man is extremely worried about the beauty of his wife I can see that he may be freaked out by a nipple-less woman. But to fall out of love with her?
I know I’m arguing both sides of the arguement when I say this, but if I were single and having to face dating I would be terrified by my new body. Exposing my new body on that level would take incredible amounts of trust, putting my heart right there on the line, and right or wrong I would be waiting to see if my new lover would turn away in disgust, become pre-occupied in the unusual parts of me, or touch me with love and passion. And the moments it would take to find out the answer would be breathtaking and terrifying. I can’t imagine an intimate moment where I would feel more exposed or frightened.
I’m not crazy, I do see the irony in what I just said since I have videos of my body exposed on the internet. But a video explaining medical procedures to ease the fears of others is very different from exposing your body in a moment of intimate sharing.
My ‘beauty’ is not in my breasts! It never was! What makes me the woman I am has nothing to do with what is in my shirt. We are all powerful and wonderful because of what is inside of us, not because of what a man touches. And the most intimate and loving touches are the soft caresses on our souls and hearts, not our breasts. It’s far more intimate to fall asleep close together holding hands than having your breast touched, at least in my mind. And I have never thought I would be less of a woman because I have Frankenstein scars and hard breasts.
Frankly, I think I am more of a woman now.
Please, for those of you going through this, please don’t place the value of yourself as a woman in your lost breasts. You are amazing, no matter the scars and the natural fears. You have a fire within you that burns to be alive, and that radiates throughout your body and shows the world that you are amazing with or without those scars.
A Great Weekend So Far!
Yesterday’s trip to Denver was a success, I was able to have all 4 drains removed from my chest and the pain has been reduced tremendously and I have a much better range of movement. I have taken myself off most of my pain meds, they seemed to be making me more sensitive to pain and of course very groogy. I feel much better and only use them now to help with the pain laying down and trying to sleep. I have a few more days of shots in my stomach, on Monday I will go in for a blood test…the magic number is 2! If my number is 2 or above I will be okay to stop these awful shots for my blod clot. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
A Week Of Silence
So much has happened in the last week that I don’t know how I’ll catch up with my updates, but I have learned so much and have so much to share.
First, let me assure you that I am doing okay. There have been some bumps in the road over the last 7 days, but today is a wonderful day and I’m finally feeling myself. I will post some additional posts and videos this weekend, but all in all the surgery went very well and I’m on the road to recovery.
Off To Denver!
Good Morning! It’s a little overcast here this morning, so we’ll probably run into snow over the mountains as we make our way to Denver today. We will be staying with great friend in Boulder tonight and having dinner with some old friends. Check in time is 7am tomorrow, and I can’t imagine what it will be like.
Details About My Surgery
I’m so sorry about the audio, I was speaking softly so that my son wouldn’t overhear and get upset. Please turn your speakers up if needed.
Racing To Make A Difference
- Every 2 minutes, there is a new breast cancer diagnosis.
- Every 14 minutes, a life is lost to the disease.
- Over 40,000 people will die this year; about 400 of them will be men.
- 85% of all diagnoses have no family history.
- 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer.
- Breast cancer is the leading cause of death in women between ages 40 and 55.
- To date, 20 states have dropped no-cost cancer screening due to budget constrants
- 42 percent of women eligible for breast cancer screening with MRI declined to undergo the procedure. (more…)
A Women’s Journey of Recovery and Adventure
My name is Michele, and my story begins like the story of many women. In June, 2009, at the age of 36, I found a large lump in one of my breasts. My family has a history of breast and other cancers, and I had a scare with a lump in 1999 when I was 26. That time it was just a scare, but I was instructed to have mammograms every 6 months for the rest of my life. I did not follow my doctor’s advice. I have since learned this is common, and now I’m on a quest to help other women who searching for the courage to ask ‘what happens next?’. (more…)
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