Yeah, So, My Boobie Fell Off.

Well, not fell off exactly, but it’s a catchy title huh? How about “My Boobie Fell Down?”

My surprise at the appearance of my left breast was not my imagination. I was able to get in to see a doctor on Friday. Luckily, it was the same doctor that treated me during and after my blood clot in January and February and was already familiar with my progress (Dr. M). I also made an appointment for Monday with my plastic surgeon in Denver (Dr. W). Both were very enlightening appointments.

As soon as Dr. M opened my drape he said “Ohhh, yeah, that’s not right”. I felt so much better. At least it wasn’t just my overactive imagination. He felt the breast and the area underneath it and confirmed my thoughts, either the implant was ruptured or something was torn and it was sliding down my abdominal wall. He told me it wasn’t an emergency, and I wasn’t in any danger, but it did need to get looked at by my plastic surgeon as soon as possible.

I really like this doctor so much because he’s the first one I’ve ever been seen by that talks to me like a human, a friend, like he really cares what’s going on. Of course I also pretty much credit him with saving my life when the hospital totally mistreated me as a mastectomy patient when I had my blood clot, so I guess you tend to have a different type relationship with the doctor that ‘saved your life’. After talking about the obvious problem of the current placement of my implant, he started asking some other very good questions.

He pointed to the edges of the scars on both sides, where they are kind of puckered. He called these ‘dog ears’, and asked if Dr. W was going to fix my dog ears. I answered that I didn’t know, we hadn’t talked about it, but that I guess I had just assumed that he would. Fixing those would help correct the flat look. He then drew a circle on my left breast and asked if I was going to have nipple reconstruction. I told him that I had just finally scheduled it, and would be doing basically a little twist of skin and tattooing.

He looked at my chart and said “You’re only 38. You’re young. Why would you settle for nipple tattooing that will need to be touched up later and won’t ever really look real? Don’t settle for less than as real as possible. You won’t be satisfied.” I kind of blinked and thought ‘why AM i settling for whatever my doctor tells me is normal? why do i have to readjust ‘normal’?’ He then suggested skin grafting. Ouch. I told him about my friend Heather (Hi Heather!) and how painful that was for her, but that I had seen photos and they looked amazing. He said “Yeah, it hurts. But there’s nothing that can compare to the results, and you’ll have a week of discomfort and then have as close to normal looking nipples as possible instead of having tattoos forever that you aren’t happy with. I strongly suggest you think about this.”

Hmmmm. So then I mentioned that I wasn’t really happy with the shape or size of the reconstruction so far. What he said next was the most important thing that anyone has said since I began this journey.

“Why are you willing to settle for this? If you are not happy, you need to tell your doctor on Monday. And listen to what he has to say about this repair and the rest of your reconstruction, and if he’s not willing to make your reconstruction what you imagine it should be, or at least try, say “Thank you” and leave and get another opinion. Do not accept less than what you deserve from reconstruction, even if you have to go somewhere else to get what you want.”

I thought about this a lot over the weekend. I get so many emails from other women that are unhappy in different phases of their reconstruction. Why are we so willing to take whatever is given to us in the end, and accept where we are left? I understand that some of us have radiation and chemo that damages skin, and we all have different shapes and sizes to begin with that can only be stretched and manipulated so much, but why are we so ready and willing to accept someone else’s definition of what is normal for us? I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we feel a little beaten. And a lot less than normal, or whole, and we look to our surgeons for advice and to save our bodies from the ashes of reconstruction. But he was right, it’s up to me to express that I’m unhappy, and to look to other answers if I’m not getting the feedback I should.

I did feel that I expressed to Dr. W during my post op appointment that I was unhappy about the results. I had decided to make sure we were on the same page when I went back on Monday to have my latest problem examined.

It was funny to walk through the office and see the nurses looking at my chest (it is obvious at a glance that something is ‘off’). If you know me, you know I try to keep people laughing and smiling, so when they asked me how I was doing I answered “Great! I mean, except that my boob fell off”. They all think I’m a little goofy.

Dr. W came in right away and immediately said “Oh, yes, I see the problem”. Ha ha ha, really? Don’t get me wrong, I like my surgeon a lot, and I trust him, but this situation is stressful and yet funny in a bizarre way. Anyway, he explained that I have popped the stitches below the breast, causing the implant to slide down my abdominal wall. He said that it shouldn’t go any lower. He said he could restitch the areas when I came in for my next stage on December 30th. I mentioned that it was the same side that used to be flat underneath, and he said “Only God can make curves” (but I ‘ve always had a curve on the other side? did only one stitch pop on that side? I’m so confused!) and he explained that it might look flat again after he does the repair. They also ordered another implant, in case this one is either already damaged or gets damaged when they remove it to do the repair. So they will re-open me, remove the implant, restitch the alloderm to my chest muscle, and then replace the implant. I’m assuming I won’t have drains because they will be doing the first fat transfer at that time.

We talked a little more about it, and I mentioned that I think the stitches were torn right away because, as I had mentioned at my last appointment, I was kind of unhappy with how things were turning out and that it was mostly because the two sides were so different. He was surprised that I was unhappy, and didn’t remember me expressing that in my last appointment. And to his credit, I probably was kind of nice about it and only hinted at my unhappiness and expected him to get it. Well, I’m a woman hinting that she’s unhappy to a man that just made boobies. Like he’s going to hear a hint! Totally my fault for not being more straight forward.

After he left the room I sat with the nurse and went over the next apointment and what to expect. I said “I know you’re tired of me saying this…” and she said “…but you want them bigger”. I explained that it probably sounded vain to her, and that I knew Dr. W was satisfied with my results, but that I”m not. We go through this a lot. Pretty much every appointment he tells me the size looks great, I tell him I want bigger. Even my video of my last expander fill has this conversation. He had said during my post op appointment that my size was good because I have an athletic build (I think I’ve already talked about this). I was shocked. I will agree that I have tiny arms, shoulders, ribs and upper body. I’m not athletic, and I’m very curvy. I have come to terms with this, and I’m proud of my curves! I like having a curvy butt! But I would like to be porportioned better, and now is the only time for the rest of my life that I have this chance. Once we’re finished, we’re finished. I said all of this to her. She said I really don’t have a lot of fat to transfer, and I said “take it all!”. Afterall, I’m a southern girl that loves food, I’m sure I’ll make more! I’ve had a curvy butt for over 20 years, I don’t think I’ll have trouble getting it back. And I didn’t mean for them to take all of my butt, I meant to take all of the extra fat, even if they don’t think there’s ‘very much’.

I have another appointment right before surgery to discuss everything. Before then, I have 2 appointments with 2 other surgeons to get their opinions of what exactly is reasonable to expect, and what is possible. I did cancel my nipple reconstruction, and I’m seriously considering the skin grafting. I plan on talking to the other doctors about that too. After this experience (the fallen breast), I know I want to wait until my scars are very faded before I do any nipple reconstruction. I want to make sure everything else is finished first. No more fat transfers, no more swelling, no more anything, just nipples. I still trust my surgeon, but I need to hear from someone else what is possible and realistic. I don’t wan’t to walk away with what Dr. W thinks is the body I should have, I want to walk away with the best reconstruction I can have.

But more important than sharing this part of my story with you, I want to make sure that you also ‘heard’ exactly what Dr. M said. DON’T settle for what someone else thinks is right for you. No matter your age or point in life, we go through reconstruction for OURSELVES, no one else. We deserve to have the best results possible for our bodies, and we owe it to ourselves to speak up if we feel that something is not as good as it can be. And there is nothing wrong with getting another opinion. Reconstruction is something we hopefully will only go through once. It may be a pain in the butt, but if you need to, drive to see another surgeon. Get all of the information. Don’t settle. You’ve been through enough. You deserve to feel beautiful.

Did you hear me??

YOU DESERVE TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL!!

I love you, my BFFs. Don’t give up.

You

Are

Beautiful

November 24, 2010 | Categories: Full Blog, Medical Updates | Tags: alloderm complications, bilateral matectomy, breast expanders, breast implant repair, breast implants, breast reconstruction, breast reconstruction complications, fallen breast implant, implants, reconstruction, what to expect from breast reconstruction | 15 Comments »