Titanium Boobs and Intimacy, or Stupid Things People Say, Part Two
If you’re my friend on Facebook you may have already seen this story. Last weekend I was at a concert at the local fair and talking to someone about breast cancer and what I’ve been through this year. It was an interesting conversation, her mom had breast cancer many years ago and it was interesting to hear how things have changed over the years.
This beautiful women looked at me at one point in the conversation and said “You should feel very lucky that your husband can still find you attractive after your surgery. You’re very fortunate he hasn’t left you.”
Wow. What do you say to that?
Now, I will say that Jon would have a million reasons to leave me, with or without titanium boobs. I’m not easy to live with, not even close. Maybe that’s why he lets me leave home so often! 
I’m a trainwreck, overly ambitious, strong willed, stubborn, and aggressive. But to desire me, or not, because of my surgery?
Anyway, I was floored. So what were my choices, to not have surgery because I may no longer be sexy to men (if I ever was) and wait for cancer?
It did get me thinking about it, and about my body on an intimate level. I still kind of ignore my chest since the surgery, it’s still hard for me to look at. So if it’s hard for me to look at, it makes sense that it would be hard for a man to look at me and feel anything other than curiosity. My blogging friends stay away from the talks of what we go through after this surgery as far as intimacy goes, but maybe that’s not a good idea. Maybe we need to talk about it. Maybe someone reading this feels exactly like the woman at the concert.
Let me address the comment first of all. I would like to think that I wouldn’t be married to someone that would find me unattractive in my current state. I like to think that my brain, courage, and fire would be the real reason for a man to be attracted to me, not because of my breasts. And if Jon married me for my boobs in the first place that would be stupid, they weren’t amazing to begin with. But I still miss them.
Anyway, I agree that if a man is sensitive to medical procedures he may be turned off by the scars and recovery process. If a man is extremely worried about the beauty of his wife I can see that he may be freaked out by a nipple-less woman. But to fall out of love with her?
I know I’m arguing both sides of the arguement when I say this, but if I were single and having to face dating I would be terrified by my new body. Exposing my new body on that level would take incredible amounts of trust, putting my heart right there on the line, and right or wrong I would be waiting to see if my new lover would turn away in disgust, become pre-occupied in the unusual parts of me, or touch me with love and passion. And the moments it would take to find out the answer would be breathtaking and terrifying. I can’t imagine an intimate moment where I would feel more exposed or frightened.
I’m not crazy, I do see the irony in what I just said since I have videos of my body exposed on the internet. But a video explaining medical procedures to ease the fears of others is very different from exposing your body in a moment of intimate sharing.
My ‘beauty’ is not in my breasts! It never was! What makes me the woman I am has nothing to do with what is in my shirt. We are all powerful and wonderful because of what is inside of us, not because of what a man touches. And the most intimate and loving touches are the soft caresses on our souls and hearts, not our breasts. It’s far more intimate to fall asleep close together holding hands than having your breast touched, at least in my mind. And I have never thought I would be less of a woman because I have Frankenstein scars and hard breasts.
Frankly, I think I am more of a woman now.
Please, for those of you going through this, please don’t place the value of yourself as a woman in your lost breasts. You are amazing, no matter the scars and the natural fears. You have a fire within you that burns to be alive, and that radiates throughout your body and shows the world that you are amazing with or without those scars.
Hi to all!
I felt I needed to write a comment.
Although each of us have come here for different reasons we were all brought together here for one reason; our breasts.
For me, Michele and this website brought a significant sense of relief. Seeing her videos and reading her ‘feelings’ helped me to understand that I am not alone. I’m sure this is the case for a lot of women.
For a whole year I tried too find information on prophylactic mastectomy, it was suggested that I consider the surgery because I have a large family history and cysts in my breast. This was before my mother was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer.
I had cysts that were causing pain and every time a twinge of pain was felt I was in a panic. Then my mother’s diagnosis was presented. I had strong feelings that my mother would end up this way. She wasn’t getting mammograms every year and had breast issues for years. Along with that she had 2 sisters that battled BC one lost and the other one is now a survivor. I elected to have the surgery because I wanted to be here for my children. And I never want them to have to face what I have had to with my mother.
Now that I am almost 2 months post surgery, I have too many emotions to count. One day I feel great, full of happiness and spunk, and the next I am a wreck. On those days I feel self conscious, undesirable, my boobs are small and misshapen and because I’m a woman and I like to add salt to the wound while I wallow in self pity; I feel FAT. Those days are the miserable for me, and probably my family too.
Regret? I don’t have that. I know that I made the right choice. FOR ME! At the end of the day when I lay my head on my pillow at night I think about all the things that I will be able to do with my family. Not about the twinge of pain from a cyst. I don’t have the what if’s anymore. That right there is payment enough for the scars that I have. As the Indians in “Dances with Wolves” say, “Good trade!” People say stupid things to me all the time. I deal with it, by saying, “I’m not one of 8 women. I reduced my risk”
Intimacy?…Ick. I hate that word lately. Just like Michele I ignore my chest these days. It’s numb, and nipple-less. What on earth does a man do with those? I might as well have gorilla glued boulders to my chest! There is nothing there for either one of us. I am lucky though, I have a husband that tells me often that he never imagined that I would look as good as I do at this stage. And although it’s not that encouraging, it’s better than a turn of the head when I take off my clothes.
Michele brought more tears to my eyes when she said, “Frankly I’m more of a woman now” I was sobbing from the paragraph before that. I needed what she wrote. Only a person that has gone through this can say those words and it mean something. Anyone else tells you that and you think, “What do you know you don’t have expanders in your chest?”
I know I’ve never had cancer and those of you facing this with it, I pray for you nightly. I know your journey is a hard one. I know you are scared and vulnerable. I have seen everything that you all are going through up close. Too close. Your “fire” is still there. Reach way down inside and grasp hold. DON’T LET GO! We are fighting for you. You all are AMAZING and a hell of a lot stronger than most women and MEN! I love you all!
September 4, 2010 at 10:35 am
“…the most intimate and loving touches are the soft caresses on our souls and hearts, not our breasts.”
So poignant, and I bet that just came right off the top of your head. Love you.
September 10, 2010 at 4:18 pm
Oh, Jess! I miss your laugh and just knowing you’re there at some point during my day! I can’t wait to see you! Thank you for visiting, and for writing. Love you love you love you!
September 11, 2010 at 12:13 am
Hello Michele,
I am 41 yrs old have just been diagnosed with breast cancer and I am going to have a mastectomy in two weeks. I have struggled with what type of reconstruction to have and i think I have decided on tissue expansion. Your blogs and your videos have helped me SO much! I accidentally ran up on them from YouTube just trying to find stuff on tram flaps and there you were. Seeing what it looks like, how it has made you feel, the pain, and the overall experience has just been so helpful. You are such an inspiration and I think you are beautiful. I am only having one breast removed but I am having a hard time with losing my breast at all and it’s an emotional and scary time. Your blog entry on intimacy was wonderful and I completely agree with you. I can’t believe someone even said that to you. Keep the info coming and thank you again for the awesome website!
Lisa
Rapid City, SD
September 12, 2010 at 1:07 pm
Dear Lisa,
Your post my me teary. I’m so sorry you have been diagnosed with breast cancer, but I’m thankful that I’ve been able to help a little bit. It is a very scary and emotional time, and it doesn’t end with the surgery, but I’m here for you anytime and want to help if I can. Thank you so much for your words of support, and please let me know if I can help you with anything!
Love,
Michele
September 17, 2010 at 12:53 am
I am not really into sharing my feelings online or with strangers but while researching prophylactic mastectomies (and reconstruction available) I found your you tube video then your site. Sadly my browser is too slow to watch the video at the moment but I will definitely be looking it up on a friend’s PC as soon as I can.
I am the same age as you and am in the process of deciding what to do. Reading real people’s feelings and thoughts about how they have felt going through this and how it impacts on the relationships with those around them (especially their partners) is an absolute godsend to me. I spend more time thinking about how my husband will feel some days than how I feel about losing the breasts I have always knwon. Okay so I never exactly loveed them much by they are me and I need to consider the loss of them. I don;t think that my fear of looking different will ultimately change my mind about the procedure but there is so much to think about – I think I will show your page to my husband nd perhaps it might answer some of his questions and concerns too. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
September 20, 2010 at 12:51 pm
Hi Kris,
Thank you so much for contacting me. It is a hard decision, but it has been worth it to me. My mom has fought cancer for so long, since I was 21, and I don’t want the last years of my life to be the struggle hers has been if I can help it. No one could have prepared me for the pain or the emotionally difficult times that come after surgery, but it does help to know that I have done what I can to avoid breast cancer.
And it is hard. I was never impressed with my body, but losing a huge part of your anatomy is difficult no matter what body part it is. And like them or not, our breasts are part of what makes us feel like women. And losing sensation over such a large area, and especially when it’s an errogenous zone, is a difficult thing.
Sexually it is hard. You start to feel frightened of how your partner will ‘see’ you, and if you will still be found attractive, and if you can still find yourself attractive. Sex can hurt too, as the muscles are stretched and stitched, and then the good feelings are gone from your skin for awhile.
But these things get better, all the way around. Right after surgery your body will be injured, and there’s no way around that. But as the expanders get filled you will start to look more normal. Then the implants help with looking more natural. My nerve endings are growing back, so I can feel more of my skin. The sutures go away and becomes less painful (the expanders can still cause me pain, but not too much). I won’t lie, my husband doesn’t seem as taken with my chest as he did when it was real, and I know he would say it’s because he doesn’t want to hurt me, but as a woman I can tell the difference. And that’s ok. I’ll be more normal again one day. He does make the extra effort to make me feel good about myself. But it’s been almost 8 months since my surgery and I don’t think about the loss as much as I did. And again, I now have a less than 2% chance of breast cancer. It’s a loss, and one that has to be healed, but reconstruction is amazing and the end result can be wonderful.
I will be more than happy to help you with any information I can! Please let me know if there is something I can do for you, or anything you need to know.
Take care, good luck, and lots of love,
Michele
September 20, 2010 at 1:08 pm
Michele, you hit the nail on the head. I couldn’t pass up replying on this one.
I’ve always thought God to have a sense of humor and no more so than me meeting a wonderful guy a week or so before surgery. TRUST ME, I struggled with even going out with him because I feared getting to like him and letting him know at some point what would be happening. (Hey, it’s not like it could exactly be avoided, right?)
In getting to know him, I felt comfortable enough to say I am a breast cancer survivor and I am going through with surgery to have a bilateral mastectomy. I actually closed my eyes after saying it because I didn’t want to see his initial reaction but boy, was I surprised! His look was one of awe and admiration. He took my hand and told me he could tell I was a strong woman from the get go and that it’s a great thing to say I am breast cancer survivor. Uh, yes it issss! haha
It’s been almost two weeks since my surgery and guess what guys? He’s still here.
Calling, texting, flowers, checking up on me..you name it, he’s doing it. I’ve seen him once since and coming together again was beautiful. Have I thought about the future and being fully intimate at some point where he sees my “titanium boobs?” Yep, and it has me a lil’ worried I’ll admit. What I tell myself though is, regardless of whether he likes me/them at that point, my life will go on. No one can ever take away the feeling and the bravery, and the FEARLESSNESS I have coming out of this cancer free! It really is amazing how your attitude changes after going through this!
For now, I’ll take it one day at a time. I think I’ve found me a good one.:) So far, so good!
Love ya,
~Vanessa
September 24, 2010 at 6:59 pm
Hi Michele,
Just reading through some past posts and this is one that struck me – my boyfriend of 3 and a half years actually left me just after my chemo, 5 days before my bilateral mastectomy. According to him, it wasn’t the physical aspect, so much as he couldn’t handle processing the emotional aspect of what was happening and he didn’t feel like he could give me the support he was “supposed” to be giving. He was just too “tired” from daily life to deal also come home and comfort me when I wasn’t feeling good, reassure me when my self-esteem was low, or step up for me when I needed him. In talking to some people, apparently it’s not all that uncommon. Its really unfortunate, and I can only hope that if/when I do get married I will be sure it is someone that will stick around for the hard times. But sometimes you don’t find out a person’s true colors until you have to go through it. Scary!
Love,
Amy
October 31, 2010 at 10:00 pm
Hi Amy! I’m horrified that it took me so long to reply, I’m so sorry! I’m also so happy to see you here! Thank you for reading my blog, and also for sharing your own story on your blog. I can’t believe your boyfriend would do that! I’m so sorry. I agree that you don’t see the true colors until you go through the hard times, and although it’s awful to see you have a loser in your life when you really need a hero, I do think it’s always better to know the truth. Even when it stinks. But I am so sorry. I can’t imagine your heartbreak to have him walk away right before surgery. Didn’t I get an email from your dad? I can tell your Daddy’s Little Girl, I bet he was devistated too. I’m very proud of your recovery, and that you are out there trying to help others too. Thank you for writing, and for all that you do. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through so much. Please keep in touch!
Take care,
Michele
November 10, 2010 at 8:53 am