Notes From A Stressed Out Mind
Hmmmm, it’s been a crazy week. Ha! I guess it’s really been a crazy life, but let’s just talk about the recent days. 
All of a sudden, Courage is growing rapidly. We should reach 50,000 YouTube views by June 1st, and 100,000 views in August. We now sometimes hear from several women a day, and that is the best news of all. I have also found some pretty amazing women myself, and my wheels are turning in my mind about ways to make them part of my Courage Vision.
I have so many ideas and opportunities, my problem is that now my brain is all full of excitement and I can’t seem to get the projects out. I have help, wonderful Kelley and Heather are going to be amazing, but I can’t get my brain to spit everything out in an organized manner so that I can put us all to good use! Stick with me girls, thanks for your patience, and I love you!
I did find out today that I CAN go to the chiropractor and also get a massage. These are two things I’ve been dying for, I have a lot of neck and back pain from the pulling and stretching of my muscles. Maybe those visits will help release some of the clutter from my brain.
It doesn’t help that it’s been cloudy and cold here, pretty much since my return from Baja. This is my first summer in this part of Colorado, I’m beginning to think I will never be warm again. I hate cloudy weather, although I love rain and thunderstorms, but I tend to get the blues very easily in this type of weather. And I hate feeling down in the dumps when so many wonderful things are happening all around me! UGGH!
After my last post, I have been thinking about other things that I miss, that no one warned me about before surgery. I miss stretching. I miss cuddling. I miss wearing pretty bras. Intimacy is very difficult and painful. I miss imagining I look hot in a tank top. Too much information yet? I’m sorry, it’s the cloudy weather. Let’s see….I miss feeling naked. That was a great point I found on another blog, the muscles being stretched over the expanders feels like a tight sports bra, all the time. So I’m no longer soft, supple, and I never feel naked or feminine. I miss moving through life unconcerned about being hit or bumped into. I even dreamed last night that a lady hit me across the chest, I guess I worry all the time. It’s okay, in my dream I beat her up. I miss the independence of being able to lift or move anything I want to. Most of all, I really miss feeling water against my body. I love water, when I was little everyone called me a mermaid, and even now will spend hours and hours in a hot bath. I can’t feel the water, or the heat, or the cold.
Most of these things will eventually work themselves out. My nerve endings are supposed to grow back, over a year or so. The new implants will be softer. My stitches will eventually either dissolve as they should or be removed. But will I ever get used to this body? Will I ever see MYSELF when I look in the mirror? Or am I just stressed out and overreacting because I have the blues? I don’t think so, these feelings are there all the time, but usually I can push them down and make the happy come out.
Kelley! I need your undying happiness around me, woman! I hate it that we’re so far away from each other! Oh, the universe is funny, huh girl? Like you said, we finally meet up again, only to have me whisked thousands of miles away. Sigh. I’m sorry. I miss you, though.
And thank you to everyone who listens to me ramble all the time, and stays my friend through the ups and downs. Kay, Kelley, Heather, Jane, Renee, Selina, Marcy, Jessica, Ashley, Pam. You are all Goddesses and my life would be empty without you. Jon is patient and kind and unbelievable to deal with me through this, and although Hubby B seems to have dumped me, Token still listens to me rant and rave too. Usually. When he’s available. :p Why any of you put up with me during this is unknown to me, but I appreciate each of you to the bottom of my soul.
I love chocolate covered cranberries and Jack Daniels. Since burning off my boobies has nothing to do with my mouth, I can still enjoy those to my heart’s delight. There’s always something to be thankful for, right?
So, look for more updates this week, and they’ll be much more uplifting in mood. I have some exciting news, actually quite a bit of exciting news. Also, my 2 new websites should be up by this weekend, and 1 new blog is on the way. This blog is also going to get a huge face-lift and revamp, so keep your eyes on it and tell me what you think.
Thank you all so much for keeping touch, reading my story even if you do so quietly, and for just standing behind me. I’m am so lucky to have friends like you.
Michele,
Your feelings are so Right. They encompass everything that i feel also. The Expanders stink. Can’t wait until we are both done with them. I pray everyday that the implants will be more comfortable. I like you love the water. I have not put on a swim suit now for over 3 1/2 years. Am looking forward to being able to do that again.
Hang in there. The weather here is raining and cloudy also, that doesn’t help how we are feeling. The sun is just right around the corner I can see my garden popping out of the ground due to the rain so some good does come from it.
I wish we didn’t live states away from each other. I would love to take you to lunch. But i don’t eat sushi-just california rolls.
I have been having the same feelings about lifting things also. My daughters dog who is only 5 pounds will accidentally step where he shouldn’t and Yowwie it does hurt. But in the end when we are all said and done with this roller coaster ride we will be so much stronger than when we started this journey. You are touching so many lives thru this web site. Even if its just one woman you have changed a life. Amazing!! You have been so inspirational with all your videos. I wish i had seen something like them prior to my surgery. It would have helped immensely.
xoxoxo
Jane
May 20, 2010 at 8:43 pm
Interesting, when I bring up the things I miss about my wife, or even think them to myself, professionals and others I trust tell me I’m selfish.
I get stressed out too!!!
All we do is go to doctors, and every time a new one wants to touch my wife’s remaining breast, The process is intrusive, and demoralizing, the only one I don’t mind is the plastic surgeon, at least he is understanding and is the same person each visit.
So, to add to your list, every time I touch my wife it feels like a breast exam for both of us, all the intimacy and remaining sexuality has been sucked out.(will it return?) I’m not sure the health industry is aware of the psychological effects on these aspects of treatments.
June 1, 2010 at 7:53 am
I just responded to your other post on the ‘comments on a mans post’ section. To quickly recap, I agree with your friends and the professionals in your life, you are selfish.
Again, you should be thankful they are continuing to watch your wife. They aren’t feeling her up, for God’s sake, they are trying to save her life. And a plastic surgeon doesn’t look for cancer in the remainig breast.
Breast cancer is intrusive and demoralizing. Diagnosis and treatment is necessary to save a life. I have never felt an exam was intrusive or demoralizing, I have always been thankful for the knowledge of others that might save my life, and the life of my friends. A doctors visit is never any fun, but an exam is an exam, they are not trying to grope your wife, they are trying to save her life.
It sounds to me that you can’t see your wife as the woman she was, and still is, because you are too caught up in other men touching her, the loss of her breast, and the effects this is going to have on your sex life. I think the health industry is well aware of the psychological effects of breast cancer, that is why you hear about breast cancer just about every day, if you are listening. It’s not just about those that die.
I am still trying to get used to myself in this new body, and used to how I feel about everything. That includes how I feel about myself as a woman, a friend, a wife, a mom, and as a person. Dealing with everything that I had to go through just a few weeks out of surgery was almost more than I could do. I certainly wasn’t able to deal with making my husband feel better during sex. As a matter of fact, sex was the last thing on my mind, so you should feel lucky that she allows you to touch her at all.
I think you and your wife need to seek some kind of counceling. Maybe counceling will help you with being selfish and help her with what she needs to get her through this. I can’t see that you are being a big source of support, especially if you tell her the things you post here on this blog. If I were her, I would be devistated.
June 1, 2010 at 8:20 am
Im glad that Alex is willing to post to this blog for input, but for Christs sake…Im willing to bet the farm that dying of breast cancer is more stressful than having to help your wife go to the f@#$ing doctor or worry about wether or not she will still want to be intimate with you. Its time to man up and quit crying about how you feel, you will get over your stress but she will never get her breasts back. SHE IS STILL THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD, at least my wife is to me. No matter what the outcome of this, my wife is still the same woman…just modified a bit. So suck it up buttercup and start supporting, your bordering on dragging down the ship. Look for help with your posts, not just a way to vent how much your hurting inside – your wife hurts inside and out a bazillion times worse.
June 1, 2010 at 12:43 pm