The Hardest Post I’ve Ever Written – GRAPHIC CONTENT!
Let me start by making sure you know I’m not writing this in a sour or bitter tone at all. I just thought it was important at this stage to be very honest about how I’m feeling one week after my 2nd step of reconstruction. I have reduced my risk of cancer from 40% to less than 2%, and if nothing else I have given myself a chance to live. There is nothing more powerful or profound, and I am thankful for that chance. I am thankful to no longer be afraid of my body. But it’s not an easy journey.
Tomorrow will be one week from my implant swap. Almost 9 months to the day from my mastectomy surgery. And one year since my first Baja trip that changed my life on many different levels.
It staggers my mind to think of how much has changed since one year ago, 9 months ago, and even one week ago.
I lost a job that I love, friends that I love, and a body I was at home with. But I have gained a purpose, new friends, and a new outlook on life.
But let me say that I do miss my friends, lost for different reasons along the way. I know sometimes you still read my blog, so know I miss you and still love you.
It took a few days for me to get fully back on my feet. If I had an office job, I could have gone back to work today. I look forward to going back to work soon, I’m feeling a little stale in my brain.
The difference between expanders and implants is impossible to fully describe. I am going to do a video soon, and I think that will do a much better job of showing how dramatically different they are. But I’m not ready to do the video yet, but I do have photos to share.
Breast expanders are very hard. They are odd looking. They make you feel freakish, and if you don’t have a sense of humor you might cry a lot. You learn to joke about poking people and not feeling it, having foobs, titanium boos, frankenboobs, grapefruits, basketballboobs, barbie boobs…really the jokes can be endless.
But the reality is that having breast expanders is difficult. It’s hard on your body, but it’s also hard on your mind, spirit, and sexuality. You lose nerve endings not only in such a large portion of your body (collar bone to mid ribs, armpit to armpit), but also in an erogenous zone. Graphically speaking, your breast are scooped out, burned out, and then replaced with extremely hard plastic balls that you voluntarily go and have enlarged over a period of months. In some cases, like mine, your nipples are removed and discarded like trash.
Just when you’re healed, and have sort of come to terms with your body you get to do it all over again…remove the expanders and place implants. Your implants are called ‘high profile’ so that they stand out like a ‘normal’ breast instead of laying flat to boost breast tissue as in a normal augmentation.
I had a lot of complications after my mastectomy surgery and with the expanders. My complications are documented throughout my blog and videos so I’m not going to go through it again, but I also had it easy compared to some. My friend Teri…that’s a story that will break your heart. So it could have been worse, and I’m thankful that many of my friends had it much easier. All of our stories are a little different.
My implant swap went without a hitch, and I seem to be healing well. I have an appointment for my next surgery after Christmas. I will be having my first session of fat grafting and the first stage of nipple reconstruction. I had not decided fully on nipple reconstruction until a few months ago. As a matter of fact, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to do it. My breasts were looking so freakish, why make it worse by trying to put a fake but normal nipple on them? But now that I can wear bras again I think that looking at myself and seeing a nipple will help me heal. On the inside.
I know my post right after my implant swap was pretty optimistic (which I always try to be), and I even posted a reply a few days ago that I thought one day no one would be able to tell that I had such a radical surgery. Well, I’m not on drugs anymore and so I would like to say I definately had on rose colored glasses when I wrote that. But let me be fair, I have no idea what things will look like after fat grafting and nipple reconstruction, and Jon keeps telling me to be patient (if you know me, you know this is something I hear all the time because I AM NOT PATIENT!). So we’ll see.
And of course I will show you.
But as of right now I am in some ways thrilled and in other ways totally devistated.
I am thrilled because I’m so soft! My skin feels differently, my body feels like it did before surgery. I did a video where I poked and pounded on my chest to show how hard it was. I could never do that now. Now if I poke, everything moves! My skin is soft. My breasts are soft. I can lay in any position and sleeping doesn’t hurt. 9 months of pain and freakishness are gone. And it is a huge relief.
I am devistated because I still look weird. My plastic surgeon was kind enough to give me their photos from right before my mastectomy surgery and also from right before the removal of the expanders. I have taken photos from 5 days post op of the implant swap (when the expanders were removed and the implants put in). These photos show you how I looked when I was a real girl, how awkward and strange expanders are, and what I’m like right now. I would like to point out that the photo posted a few days ago is no longer accurate, I had a lot of swelling and the size and shape of my breasts has changed a lot. I kind of liked those boobies. But they left me too. 
This is the photo I’m referring to:
1 Day Post Op with Drains
So here we go with the full, unedited version of what a body goes through during mastectomy and reconstruction, at least to this point. I received the photos of my pre surgery body just yesterday and it broke my heart a little bit. I didn’t have any photos, I didn’t take any before surgery for myself. So take a deep breath…
Before Mastectomy
Expanders After 9 Months
Implants 5 Days Post Op
Before Mastectomy
Expanders After 9 Months
Implants 5 Days Post Op
Before Mastectomy
Expanders After 9 Months
Implants 5 Days Post Op
Before Mastectomy
Expanders After 9 Months
Implants 5 Days Post Op
So there you go. Please don’t misunderstand my post, I am thankful, and happy. But I don’t believe there is a person out there that could go through this type of change without some feeling of loss. I know many people find my blog looking for answers and insight about their future and so I want to be honest and open about how I feel and what I’m going through. I couldn’t find the information I needed before surgery and so I created this site and blog and I promised to hold nothing back.
Don’t feel badly for me, I have taken control of my future as much as I can and taken steps to save my life. It’s a good thing. It’s a wonderful choice. But it’s not without difficult moments. But I will take the difficult moments and pain and discomfort to have a longer life, and to hopefully spare myself the pain my mom has gone through for so long. And if you are on this journey too, I wish you the best and offer all of the encouragement I can.
Thank you to all of my readers, the silent ones and the vocal ones. It makes all of the difference in the world to know I’m not alone.
hey michele,
thanks for sharing the progression picture. it really helps a lot. i am sure the implant ones are going to change a lot in the coming weeks as the swelling reduces and the drop.
i love your honesty more than anything else. it helps to know what to expect. i shared with you in some tears while reading your post. this is such a hard journey filled with ups and downs.
xoxo
rach
October 22, 2010 at 4:11 pm
Thank you for showing your pictures. It will be nice to know the hardness of these expanders will be replaced with sometthing soft. The implants look good and agree thankful for the chance to live, but miss the way we looked before. Glad each day you are feeling better and stronger.
October 22, 2010 at 7:45 pm
Darling Michele,
Upon reading your honest description of the thoughts going through your head, and then the pictures. I’m shedding tears for your journey, and mine to come. I sat in the Oncologist office yesterday with my Mom, and listened to all the reasons to get tested for BRCA. Mom was diagnosed on her 40 B.day, and she endured a deadly chemo as it had spread. She has had multipal health issues because of this. Many broken bones, and rebreaks, pain everywhere, Lyphadema that makes her arm 3x it’s normal size etc…But she has survived 25 years!
My first roomate, and dear friend Kary died at 35 from Breast Cancer. Her first grandbaby was born monday, and she’ll never hold her, and that kills me!!My best Bum since we were 15, Lori’s Mom is dying from DCIS that was treated per protocol, she now has 4 brain tumors, and not long to live.
These are a few personal reasons why I made my appointment today for surgery on Nov. 2, because I want to spoil my grandbabies someday, and NEVER put my loved ones through the pain. So it’s not about the boobs at all for me it’s about avoidance of the most painful, unforgiving death that I witness daily………But it’s a shitty journey, and I’m scared. There is such a thing as too much information, and I’m living proof of that fact.
Thanks for Listening,
Shelley
October 22, 2010 at 7:49 pm
I just wanted to say a big thankyou to you. I had double mastectomy with expanders on the 4th October and can’t believe how hard and uncomfortable they are so I am so excited that the permanent ones are soft! I do have a question. Do you have saline or silicone implants?
October 23, 2010 at 1:48 am
Thank you for sharing your total journey with us. I have so appreciated your honesty and candor about what you have gone through. When I got my bandages off after my implant exchange surgery 15 months ago, I cried. Then I cried the whole way home. I realized that day that this is as good as it is ever going to get. I don’t know what I expected. I expected to maybe get a new breast. After all, that is what was portrayed by so many survivors about their reconstruction. I had heard things like , “I love my new stripper boobs!” and “Gee, at least you’ll get boob job out of breast cancer”, but nothing could be further from the truth. What I got was a shape. A shape with no feeling. And now, 2 years after losing my breast I am still as saddened and disappointed at the final outcome yet I don’t feel justified because, after all, I am alive, right? I didn’t die from breast cancer and nobody can tell when I have clothes on, and that should just be “enough” for me. What women don’t seem to talk about is the loss of sexual feeling, the loss of touch and response, and that is a very deep loss nobody can truly understand unless they have gone through it. To lose this at a young age has even more of an impact. I have a happy and long marriage, don’t get me wrong, but for me this is a very big loss. It doesn’t seem to matter that my spouse doesn’t care and loves me no matter what (and he truly does). He is still human and he still wants to touch me and find pleasure in that, but if I can’t feel pleasure it just seems so wrong. So one-sided. My hair grew back after chemo, my strength came back after a few months, but this is never coming back. The depth of the loss has taken about a year to really sink in and I hope it will get easier over time, but right now this is where the feeling land…in a rocky, hard, angry (yes) and slightly bitter place. The “drop” you hear about? Yeah, well, that hasn’t happened for me and my implant. She still sits way higher than her sister next door and my plastic surgeon says if it hasn’t happened by now it isn’t going to happen. Thanks for that!Thank God for Wunderbra!
October 23, 2010 at 6:54 am
My wonderful, brave, and courageous friends. And I don’t use that term lightly because as we all share stories of our fight to live, I do think of you all as just that…my friends. As I read these posts, tears come to my eyes because they are stories that I can relate to. I had my expander swap about a month ago and I am still waiting for some feeling to come back, but as I wait, I realize that this may never happen. My plastic surgeon did a great job with my swap and gave them a slight drop, which helps them to not sit up high on my chest. That may be an option for anyone who has not yet had their reconstruction. However, as they are softer, they are by no means, a replacement to what I had. Although slightly bigger (from what my plastic surgeon says), they are not natural feeling at all. I asked my surgeon why would anyone get fake boobs if they don’t have to? I have to say that after all I have been through, my journey has been good. When I was diagnosed, all I prayed for, was 5 more years of life so that I would watch my 6 year old grow up. And because of an early detection, and advanced technology, I may get that chance. I now pray for patience in accepting of these new friends that have come to live on my body without giving me the feelings I miss so much. And lastly, I pray for each and everyone one of you.
October 23, 2010 at 9:11 am
Rach, I love reading your story as well, and I’m thankful to have found friends that are going thru the same thing so that we can all laugh and cry together!
Sharon, it does get better, and there are some tough days, but I believe we’re on this journey for a reason, even if it’s just to help each other.
Oh Shelley, I’m so sorry you have seen so much loss. Your story is a heart wrenching one. My mom also has a swollen arm and almost no feeling in that arm or from her chest to her belly button. She’s been fighting for over 15 years and its matastasised and so she will fight forever. It’s been a very long and hard fight, and she is a tough woman and I’m proud of her, but I don’t want my last years to be like that. I want to go out in a ball of fire, not fighting for every day, every breath. I’m so proud that you have taken your destiny into your own hands, and we are all here for you whenever you need to vent or ask or cry.
Sue, my implants are silicone. I did not want saline because it was explained to me that without breast tissue over the saline implants they feel like a ziploc bag with water in them. The saline implants are gel and a thicker consistancy, and in our cases, feel more natural.
MammaHutch, you make some wonderful points. It makes me so upset when people say things like “it’s just like getting implants”. I think you can look at these photos and see that it’s not. I’ve ranted about this before, so I won’t now. But it is hurtful when people try to down play what we’ve gone through. And the physical part is amazingly hard, but your’re right, the ground shaking that it does to our sexuality and mentality is even more difficult. And when our surgeries don’t turn out the way we hoped, or even well at all, I think a lot of people don’t realize that EVERY time you see yourself, or get touched, it’s a reminder of what you’ve been through. Every time you see yourself in a mirror you’re reminded of everything that you’ve gone through, and everything that you’ve lost. And yes, we have all gained a lot, a new life time, but there is still a loss that has to be dealt with.
Tracey, you’re posts and emails are always so possitive and wonderful. And very well said. And I understand that augementation gives great results because the implants are under breast tissue (which we no longer have), but I’ve also heard stories of implants that get scar tissue damage that feel as hard as expanders. I can’t imagine having to live with those feelings, especially just because I wanted bigger boobs. I am so happy that you will have more time with your daughter, and hopefully a long and happy life. I completely agree with you, I pray for patience, acceptance, and for the lives and happiness of all of my new friends.
October 23, 2010 at 9:43 am
Michele, thank you for sharing your story and your pictures with all of us. I didn’t go the way you ladies did, but up until this very moment had wished that I had. I had a tram flap which I was told would give me the most natural look. This was not true. I feel and look very ugly. And have all the problems mentioned above…I guess there is no easy answer for us. It’s good to be alive, but still, I miss the old me. Thank you ladies for all the support you offer, and God bless.
October 23, 2010 at 3:00 pm
To ALL of YOU!
I am sending out a HUGE Hug to each and everyone of you!! I am SO blessed to have found you all here. There is so much I can not share with others that just have not gone through this emotional journey. Please take care and may health be returned to all of us!
October 23, 2010 at 3:37 pm
Hi Michele,
The journey you are making is just amazing to me. Your courage is tremendous and I am so glad that we were able to be a small part in your journey at Powder Puff.
My grandmother had breast cancer in the 70′s and 80′s. Her cancer went into her bones after a double mastectomy and she passed away when I was a month shy of my 5th birthday. I can still remember her in her hospital bed set up at my aunt’s house. To know that even in the 25 years since then the advances in technology still are not the best is frustrating.
Thank you for stepping out into this world wide circus and sharing your story with the world. We hope that if you decide to race Grace around stateside again we can witness it. The guys are prepping for the SCORE BAJA 1000 in November, but they are still talking about you and sharing your story as well.
Leslie
wife to that BAJAPits guy David Watkins
October 23, 2010 at 5:51 pm
To Shelley and all…
I feel the same way you do Shelley! It is really a blessing to be able to come here and feel free to share our story with those that understand. It is just awesome that Michele has done this and taken all of us with her through her reconstruction. I wish I was that brave. But we all have such a connection that you just FEEL coming right through the computer. My love and blessings to you all.
October 23, 2010 at 8:09 pm
Love your website and how open you are to everyone about everthing. I had my PBM in 12/09 – I had the one-step surgery. This type of reconstruction takes about 12 months for the boobs to “bloom”. So believe me – patience is the name of the game. My boobs looked so bad after surgery, if I had not been on pain pills & mophine I probably would have thrown myself out of the hospital window! This surgery is VERY difficult to recover from mentally even when everything goes well. You had the same issues I did after surgery regardng people that you thought were your friends–actually mine was more people at work that let me down. It hurt me terribly to know that people that I have worked with for years thought that I shouldn’t be given paid time off to have this surgery. That thought NEVER crossed my mind prior to surgery and I am now 10 months later just starting to get over it.
Please be kind to yourself and try and be patient—it is hard. I wish you peace of mind. Thank you again for all that you are doing to help other women.
I am considering 3D tatoos to replace the nipple and aereola. I found a lady that is producing rub-on ones and is going to let me “give them a test drive”! Can’t wait. I know this is weird, but I am having a harder time deciding on the tatoos than I did to have the surgery–I know weird.
October 23, 2010 at 9:09 pm
Hi Michele – what a great post. Honest through and through, and a great example of what so many of us feel while going through the process of mastectomy and reconstruction. There is a grieving process with this, we’re saying good-bye to not just a part of our bodies, but a part of who we are… we’re faced with pain, both physical and emotional, and it changes us. I know this post of yours is bound to help many, many women along the way. They need that raw honesty, and we can’t always be optomistic because plain and simple, this thing just sucks! It’s good when we can make the best of it, but we can’t forget that we’re human too, and give ourselves permission to feel what we feel.
((((Big hugs))))
October 24, 2010 at 12:07 pm
You are so brave….I just underwent 8 rounds of chemo and bilateral mastectomy with expander reconstruction. I am 2 weeks post op and I feel so mutilated. I am 40 years old but with being BRACA 2 positive I have to do what I have to do in order to live for my children, myself and family. Stay strong and what you are doing is amazing. xoxo
October 24, 2010 at 10:48 pm
Hi Michelle!
wow! you are looking great! I jusy came out of hospital 2 hours ago,from my exchange surgery. All went well and as you know,i got the gummy implants.
They managed to put in 370gram implants in which were the MX (Moderate height/extra full projection) and they look pretty ok to me. I would have like to have been bigger but they expansions were starting to push my chest wall INWARDS so they had to stop at 500ml =( and the gummy has to be smaller to allow for shrinkage.
I hope you are keeping well?I out m video on my youtube showing the photo’s right from 4 days post Mx,to the end of my fills. I will try and post something for my new ‘girls’ also!
Hope Jon and Jamie are well.
much love,
Kay xxxx
October 27, 2010 at 10:13 am
Oh Kay! I have thought about you so much, and about how awful I have been at writing you! I have a million questions about your life, but this blog isn’t the place. But I did link the video you’re talking about to my YouTube page a few weeks ago. I loved it! “Pam eat your heart out!” LOL! I can’t wait to see how your implants look! I do hope you send photos or post on your YouTube page. Are you feeling ok now that you are home? Emily missed you while you were gone. She’s so sweet! Thank you for writing, I promise I will try to do better! I do think of you all the time, just rarely when I’m in front of a computer!
xxoo!
October 28, 2010 at 5:36 pm
Ladies,
I have yet to have any of the procedures done, I found Michele’s blog while reseraching my options – how glad am I that I did? This site (and each and every comment from you all) is invaluable to someone like me. I can see as many professionals as I can get my hand son but none of them have the slightest inclination of how I feel (or might feel post op). Thank you all so much. xx
October 29, 2010 at 9:44 am
Michele,
These were exactly the sort of photos I was talking about wanting to see. I think the post implant pics look really good. I was surprised at how natural they look. I know its hard to tell properly from a photo and only you know how you feel about them but as an outsider looking in, I think they are lovely. If I was you (and when you are feeling up to it) I’d go and treat myself to some pretty underwear that made me feel sexy.
Keep your chin up. You are doing an amazing job with this blog. More people need to see what it is really like – perhaps then they (like me) will feel strong enough to go through with it knowing what lies ahead. I ve decided to start to write a journal and take some photos before, during and after – who knows, perhaps one day I ll have the guts to share my journey too. xxx
October 29, 2010 at 9:52 am
Hi Kris!
When I was deciding what to do last year I spent so much time online trying to find some honest info. I found many clinical sites, telling me about incisions and ducts and blah blah blah, but I couldn’t find a site that told me from a woman’s point of view what was going to happen. I didn’t even realize until 2 days before surgery that I would lose my nipples! That was partially my fault, my eyes would get glazed over as I read medical articles about PBM and I would stop paying attention. I have video and website design experience, and that’s when I realized that maybe this is why this has happened to me. I had the tools to possibly make a difference to the women behind me on the same journey. And you know what? The ironic thing is that all of those women, like yourself, have made a difference to me!
I think you should absolutely take photos. Plain ones and sexy ones. You will never have that body again, and you’ll never feel the same way again. I have a few sexy ones, but I haven’t looked at them since they were taken. I just can’t yet. But one day I will be able to, and I’m glad to know they are there waiting for me.
I did go online window shopping for pretty undies. Haven’t bought any yet. Did I post that I did immediately run to Victoria’s Secret after my implant swap? I wanted to know what size I was after surgery. EXACTLY the same bra size, but different shape. But I didn’t buy anything yet. Maybe for Christmas.
Thank you for writing, I’m glad that the photos worked for you since you can’t get the videos. I hope you keep in touch, and let me know how you are.
Love,
Michele
October 29, 2010 at 10:29 am
Hi Michelle and everyone,
I had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction (expanders) on Oct. 12. I was detected with DCIS last May. It ended up to be multi centrical so they recommended mastectomy instead of conservative surgery.
I think all this time gave me the chance to prepare myself for this. I read a lot and informed myself about treatments and options. I meditated and prayed. My boyfriend is been a great companion all these months supporting me economically and emotionally. I have had the love and support from all my friends and family. I think all this helped me to accept my situation and gave me strength.
I’m not saying it was all easy…it’s been a roller coaster of emotions since it all began. A week before surgery I started to take “Bach Flowers” to help me with the fear of surgery and with acceptance of my loss and new breast. Also a week before, I started with affirmations everyday, giving thanks to my breasts with love for the time I had them (and letting them go), and saying that I will love and accept my new breasts.
Surprisingly for me, I was very calm for the surgery and ever since I woke up from anesthesia to this day, I feel GOOD. I love myself and my body. I’ve been in a great mood. I never had any problem to see myself in the mirror. I have not felt depression at all. I haven’t shed a tear for the loss (I did that before in the previous months). I can only be grateful to God and life for being well and alive and I definitely feel stronger to overcome any other tribulation to come.
This has served me to grow spiritually and see things in a different way. To re-arrange priorities, what really matters in life. Right now, if you ask me, I don’t care how I’m gonna look after all. I’m happy that I have the opportunity to reconstruct my breasts (cause a lot of women can’t do that because they don’t have money or health insurance) and I’m gonna love them no matter what.
Another thing…..a friend of mine went through this 10 years ago and she says that she can feel! So don’t worry to much about that….I’m sure we are going to recover some sensation…some will completely, some will partly…but nerves tend to re-generate themselves…the human body is wonderful. It’s gonna take time, maybe years (it’s a slow process) but KEEP THE FAITH : ) ….and if not….hey! we are alive! let’s enjoy life and what really matters… = )
best wishes and love for all of you,
Eva
October 31, 2010 at 7:33 pm
Michele -
I had a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction in June of 2009. I am very happy with my results, crappy at times but getting through.
I wanted to let you know that there is an amazing tattoo artist in Rochester NY who does crazy good nipples (http://www.whitetigertattoo.com/medical.html). I hope these pictures can give you hope
My oncologist told me I would have to reset my normal, it is no longer where it was for 40 years. That is pretty hard to do. I can’t compare myself to who I was before cancer, but I also can’t do a split anymore either! If you are interested you can see my story – it is posted on youTube – Calming the Storm (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWxMf-RbvH0)
Be strong.
November 1, 2010 at 12:37 pm
I have friends who have said they re-gained some sensation but they are friends who had DIEP or flap procedures using their own body tissue. None of them, though, has ever regained the sexual sensation since the nipples are removed, so I guess that is what I miss the most. I have often referred to my reconstructed breast as an illegal alien. She passes off as the real thing, but I know she is not and she just feels like she doesn’t belong. It can sometimes be infuriating that everyone else THINKS she is real…and therefor they think she can feel everything a real breast does. How do you tell people not affected by breast cancer that you can’t feel your “nwe” breast? And in my case, it’s like that Sesame Street song, “one of these things is not like the other” (since I lost just one. ) And, I guess in the end, I will continue covering “her” up, and pretend she isn’t there. It has been 2 years for me and yet it is just still too emotionally painful for me to have anybody see or touch it. My spouse has never expressed that he feels this lost, nor do I think he ever would. I would be interested to know if other spouses have expressed their feelings, and what they have said. Mine’s not talkin’. I don’t know of many who will. The only thing he has said is he wishes I wanted sex more or at all. But then he said that before breast cancer so who knows, maybe it would have always been that way (?) anyhow. It’s just that we have now entered this empty nest phase and I had hoped that with that combined with going off the sex-drive-haulting birth control pills (because my doctor told me at the time of diagnosis they cause breast cancer – hello ladies!!!…Listen carefully to this!) that maybe my desire would have returned but it has not.
November 1, 2010 at 1:44 pm
BTW, my friend (the one who recovered sensation fully), had reconstruction with implants….
November 2, 2010 at 6:28 pm
Dear Michele, Thank you so much for Courage Is My Strength and your blog. Thank you also to all my sister survivors who have shared their stories. I was diagnosed in June and underwent a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction on August 11, 2010. I am currently in the expansion phase. I found your website about a week ago but wish I had known about it when I was first diagnosed, paralyzed with fear and desperate for information. The whole experience has been very surreal for me and I feel like I’m on autopilot waiting for this horrible dream to end. I have suffered a couple setbacks, experienced levels of despair I never knew existed and have learned unparalleled life lessons. Now twelve weeks post-op, past an awful infection and a second surgery for a revision of my incisions, I am hopeful it will be smooth sailing from here on out. I look forward to the day when this will be a thing of the past. Much love and God bless you and all the women who have travelled this path before me, those who are currently experiencing it, and those who will follow.
November 5, 2010 at 3:53 pm
Hey Michele,
Thanks for sharing…I can’t imagine that showing the world those pics was easy for you. I am in my expansion phase and sometimes, I do feel that sense of loss about my “old” breasts. I have photos where I just stare at them for minutes on end..how good and full and SOFT, they looked in tank, low cut tops, cute bras… I feel a hole inside at those moments, but I never let it envelope me. Courage is my strength too..and faith. Things can only get better after the battle we’ve been through don’t you think? Good luck to you and thanks for your blogs and words of inspiration. It’s wonderful being part of a sisterhood with so many strong women.
xo,
Vanni
November 9, 2010 at 6:48 pm
Michelle, I was wondering if you knew what type of reconstructive surgery jenny had done. She seems so proud of her finished product! I am 26 and with my family history am opting for PBM, I am eaning toward the tram flap procedure. I do qualify and my surgery date is january 7. I am so nervous about having this done, I have two little girls 2 and 3, and want to make sure I am doing what is best for them. I have never evn had a stitch,broken arm or any procedure other than an epidural. I am trying to be very smart about this and make the right decision. Thanks so much for all you have done!!!!
Ashley Carr
November 9, 2010 at 8:24 pm
Hi Sandy,
I’m so sorry to hear that you feel ugly after your surgeries. The tram flap is a tough surgery, another of my blog friends had that done, and I don’t envy you the recovery you had to go through. It is hard to miss the ‘old you’, and I think on some level we all do. It is a blessing to be alive and healthy, but there isn’t anything wrong with being sad about the changes you have to go through to get to the healthy place. Each of us have a little differet experience, even those of us that had the same surgeries, but I hear over and over from all of us that it’s been a little harder to come to terms with how we look and feel afterwards. I think that’s why its so important why we all talk and write to each other, to make sure we know we’re all here for each other and that our feelings are normal. But the most important thing to remember is that as silly as it sounds, it really is who we are on the inside that is the ‘real us’, and each day and high and low point are all part of the journey. It’s okay to feel sad, but remember how brave and strong you are to have gone through what you have, and let your courage remind you that you really are beautiful.
Love, Michele
November 10, 2010 at 8:16 am
Hi Leslie,
I’m so thankful that Baja Pits was there for one of my lowest points out there on mile 6, and also for the high when we were finally able to drive by and finish the race. My aunt also had breast cancer that spread to her bones, it was awful. I don’t know what challenges are ahead for me, but at least I know that I have been able to improve my changes of ever being in that kind of pain. I’m sorry that you had to go through that as a little girl. I hope that you are all safe and have fun at the 1000, I’m excited to hear how it goes for all of my friends behind the wheel as well as behind the wrenches. Hearing that Baja Pits still remembers my story is so touching. We will be racing Grace again stateside, we just have some regrouping and repairs to do before we know what next year’s schedule will be. But I thank you so much for your friendship and support and wonderful words of encouragement. You are a wonderful person, and it’s means so much! Please tell the guys that Team Courage in “the little green truck” (as they called it when we were broken) wish them the best Baja 1000 ever!
Take care,
Michele
November 10, 2010 at 8:22 am
Hi Sue!
I had the option for the one step surgery, but I couldn’t imagine going through the extended recovery. You’re so brave! I am speechless that people would have something to say about your paid time off. I’m sure that was painful for you. It’s very difficult to go through this knowing in your heart that your friends or family aren’t behind you in your choices, but to actually hear it and be told makes it so much more painful. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through that on top of everything else. But know that you are stronger and more courageous than they will ever be, and their words and lack of understanding just show how little they know about the choices you faced and the courage it took to do what you did. The loss of any friendship there is certainly theirs, not yours. I’ve never heard of 3D tatoos. I LOVE the idea of test driving a rub on set. That is hysterical as well as brilliant! A lot of us have trouble deciding on the nipple reconstruction, isn’t that funny? I don’t know why it’s such a big deal for all of us, but it really seems to be. We don’t want to lose them, but when we do we have a hard time committing to replacing them. The ‘test drive’ is a wonderful idea! Thank you so much for your encouragement and for sharing your story. It always helps to hear from other women, and I thank you so much for your kind words. Please let us know how it goes with your test drive!
Take care,
Michele
November 10, 2010 at 8:30 am
Hey Teri!
Thank you for reading my post, and watching the video, and especially for adding my blog to your blogroll. The song in that video really spoke to me, it felt very much like what I was going through when I came home from surgery. The hits began to skyrocket, and it was such a personal video and important to me, and I began to get worried about having to remove it because of the copywrite of the song. I found the artist on Facebook and sent her a link to the video with an apology for using it without asking first, and asked her if she wanted me to remove it. She sent back a great letter telling me she loved the video and was thrilled that I bonded with her song and that’s her goal as a songwriter. I was so happy to have her support and for the permission to leave the video on YouTube. I agree with you, no matter how easy or difficult the surgeries are for each of us, it does change something inside of us. And I think that’s a good thing. And maybe even the reason we get put on this path to begin with. I agree that we need to remind ourselves that we have permission to feel what we do, highs and lows, because this is such a personal and internal journey, it’s easy to get caught up with trying to put on the face we think the world needs to see. Sometimes the world needs to see our sadness and pain as much as our happiness and joy and courage. Thank you for all YOU do, and for sharing your journey too. I think you are so brave and strong, and I’m proud of your blog and all you do for me and other women. Thank you for letting me be a part of it!
Hope this makes you feel better about being behind on blog replies and posts! It took me long enough, huh?
Love,
Michele
November 10, 2010 at 8:38 am
Hi Veronica,
I’m so sorry it took me awhile to reply to your post. It’s been a few more weeks, are you doing better? Have you had any fluid put into your expanders yet? I’m so sorry you felt mutilated at first, many of us felt that way, and it’s okay! You have been through a lot, both physically and emotionally, and it can be devistating. Be so proud of yourself that you decided to take your future into your own hands and have done the best you can to make sure you will be there for your family for a long and happy life. As the expanders get filled up, and as you heal inside and out, you will start to feel a little better. You will start to look normal again, and as you get your physical abilities back you’ll feel better too. I hope this is already happening for you. Please let me know that you are feeling better. You can write anytime, ask anything, or vent about whatever you need to! Never feel that you are alone! You are an amazing woman too, and I thank you so much for taking the time to write. Take care and lots of love!
Michele
November 10, 2010 at 8:43 am
Hi Jenny!
I have watched your video twice, and really like it. It’s so wonderful to hear you say that you’re “all there”. What a great way to put it. I’m so happy to hear how healthy you sound. I really like the idea of “resetting normal”. That’s a perfect way to put it, the process of getting your mind around who we are after surgery. Sometimes people freak out a little bit about my videos on YouTube, but I can see that you knew what I was feeling by posting those videos when you took the woman into the bathroom to show her how well surgery went for you. I want to help others be brave if I can, and give a little hope. It sounds like you feel the same way. Thank you so much for writing to me! Your input is welcome any time! I have had someone post a question about your surgery, they wonder what kind of reconstruction you had…expanders, DEIP, TRAM…do you mind sharing?
Take care,
Michele
November 10, 2010 at 9:04 am
I love the idea of “aliens”! That is so great. Wow, your personality and humor sounds amazing. I really enjoyed reading your post. I am saddened by your lack of desire and don’t know what to offer you about that. I have had many others tell me that they went to counseling after surgery, and I’ve been through counseling myself, and I can say that it does help. Maybe not with the lack of desire, but certainly in coming to terms with what you have been through. Therapy doesn’t mean you’re weak, sometimes we just need someone to point us in the right direction. I think also that I decided the best way for me to come to terms with the entire process was to share it. I always let people touch my expanders, or see what my chest looked like. Of course I also have the videos on YouTube. And although not everyone understands my methods, so many people have found this site, and hopefully help, from those methods. Allowing people to see and touch me helped me come to terms, and to accept what my body is like now. And maybe that’s what I’m having a harder time now, because I haven’t shown my implants to anyone or by video yet. As far as men go, well, who can figure them out?
The stories range from the supper supportive husband to abusive boyfriends to just plain detached men. I think the men go through this differently just like we do. We did have a man posting here for awhile, he seemed truly devastated by the loss of his wife’s breasts. But I think most men, at least the good ones, don’t see us for who we are because of our bodies or more specifically our breasts. I know I analyze every wrinkle or imperfection in myself, but in others I see them as part of their beauty. It sounds like your husband still desires you and loves you, and that is a wonderful thing. And if you decide to try to increase the intimacy in your marriage you already have a great foundation to start with! Please write back any time, and let me know how you are doing. I really appreciate that you wrote in, and were so willing to share how the last 2 years have been for you. You have a huge spot in my heart.
Take care,
Michele
November 10, 2010 at 9:16 am
Dear little Lisa, thank you so much for your incredible post. I know you have been going through a roller coaster of emotions and feelings, and since you’re still in your expanders there will be more highs and lows to come. I am so relieved you aren’t still paralyzed by fear, and hope that you also visit some of the other blogs on my blog roll. There are a lot of wonderful women out there sharing their stories and offering any help they can. I completely agree with you about this being surreal! It is very surreal! But to hear you say you’ve experienced life lessons is a huge step forward! I do believe there are wonderful lessons to come from each awful situation, and I hope you are going to be able to take good things away from this tough time. Are you still getting expanded? When will you get implants? Life will be so much more comfortable when you have your implants. It does get a little easier each step of the way, and it will end one day, even though sometimes it doesn’t seem like it. I am so thankful to know that I’m not alone through this, and that each post each of make helps someone else along the way. Thank you so much for writing, your post means so much.
Love,
Michele
November 10, 2010 at 9:41 am
Hey Vanni. You are so much more brave than I was! I never looked at a photo of my ‘before’ self until the day before that post. I just knew if I did I would be so upset. I was trying so hard to not look back, only forward to what was to come. I can totally understand how you feel when you look at those photos. Faith, oh yes, Faith is so important. Faith gives us the gift of courage and strength. I do believe things will be better. That may not mean my body will be better, but my life will certainly be better. My life is already better just by the wonderful women I have ‘met’ through this blog and YouTube. I’m proud to be part of this sisterhood, and I’m proud of even the smallest steps any of us make. Thank you so much for writing!!I hope to hear from you again soon!
Love,
Michele
November 10, 2010 at 9:50 am
Hey Ashley! I have posted to Jenny, asking if she would be willing to share what kind of reconstruction she had. I’m so proud of you for taking your future into your own hands and for doing all you can to have a long life with your girls. Being nervous is good, that means you will do the research needed and make the best choice for you. The tram flap seems to be more popular than the DEIP flap, but from what I understand they both have a long recovery time. I’m a young 38 (37 at surgery) and I couldn’t/wouldn’t take that much time out of my active life to have that long of a recovery. Although I did know that expanders means more doctor visits, additional surgeries (yet easier to recover from), and the potential of future implant replacement if these fail, I felt it was the right choice for me. I’m not encouraging you in either direction, just suggesting that you ask a lot of questions about recovery and what to expect afterwards, especially since you have 2 little girls that probably still like to be held and carried. Just make sure you get all of the information you can before your surgery! You are on the right path, and I’m so proud of your courage and determination to be there for your family. Thank you so much for writing to me. Make sure you visit some of the blogs listed on my site, you’ll find a lot of great information there too. Please write any time, and let us know how you’re doing as your surgery gets closer.
Love,
Michele
November 10, 2010 at 9:57 am
Well I finally test drove the temporary tatoos, and I can tell you that it makes a world of difference in the way that you look at your scars/reconstruction. My scars have not really faded very well, so I have always seen the scars and not much else. I am going to get the 3-D tatoos for sure now. Just need to research and pick someone that I can trust. Might make an interesting road trip, dont you think? I’ll have to think about a good person to take with me–you wouldn’t ask just anybody would you!? I would be happy to send some of the temporary tatoos to you to try out if you would like. You can e-mail me with your address if you are interested.
November 10, 2010 at 7:45 pm
I had oncoplastic reconstruction with gel based implants. My plastic surgeon is based in Pittsburgh – Dr. James O’Toole. He did an amazing job. My scar lines are the same scar lines as if I went in and asked for a breast reduction (anchor). I do not have ‘real’ nipples but they are tattooed with semi-permanent ink and they look awesome. (Although I am getting permanent ones – see my prior post) My cup size is slightly smaller than I started but I wanted a natural slope to my breast not a Pam Anderson. I left my size up to my plastic surgeon, I knew I just wanted to look natural.
Details:
My plastic surgeon drew my surgery/incision lines. My breast surgeon removed my breasts then my plastic surgeon came in and did my reconstruction. He used an Alloderm sling to support the implants and tied them into my muscle. I had one drain, which was removed in one week. I couldn’t lift my arms (think penguin) for awhile, but I was out walking slowly, days after my surgery. I was at the pool 4 weeks later (not swimming BUT in a swimsuit) and at the beach in the ocean at week 6. I am not superhuman, I just lucked out with no complications and great surgeons. My plastic surgeon and I had many LONG discussions on the pluses and minuses of each surgery. I knew everything before I went in and I knew what I could push in terms of recovery when I was out of surgery.
I choose my surgery, after much research, because I wanted a one operation and I chose the implants and scar lines because I am active and I did not wanted to be limited by my surgery in moving ahead with my life. Many surgeries limit what you can do down the road. Everyone goes through this process differently, and what may have worked for me, may not work for you. I believe the key is knowledge and the ability to ask questions, get second opinions if you need to but go into a decision fully armed with information.
November 11, 2010 at 9:06 am
How funny would it be to do a ‘breast friends tatoo vacation’? We could all meet and have a fun weekend getting re-nippled! LOL! I would love to try a temp tat! I’ll email you my address, and a thought I’m putting together. Thanks for the giggles Sue!
November 11, 2010 at 9:14 am
Thank you so much Jenny! This is great information. You’re absolutely right, we do all go through this differently, I haven’t heard two stories that are completely alike. I think that’s a good sign because no two bodies or lives are alike. Thank you very much for writing back. I’m getting ready to do a blog post that I hope will interest you, and others too. Hope to hear from you again soon! Take care!
November 11, 2010 at 9:19 am
Dear Michele,
Thank you for your note. One lesson I have learned is resilience. It’s amazing what we can endure both physically and emotionally when we know we do not have a choice. I’ve really learned what I’m made of and what is and is not important to me. Sometimes things are out of our control and we have to look to God for sustenance while keeping the faith. A positive attitude and upbeat spirit too has helped me tremendously through the tough times.
Yes, I am thankfully still expanding. When I was finally able to begin the expansion process, about nine weeks post-op from my initial surgery, I was very tight and they thought I may have developed capsular constriction due to the delay from my complications. However, I softened up from the small amount of saline they were able to get in and things have been going well since. I had my third fill yesterday. I was a little sore last night but I feel better today. Besides, it’s a good pain as I am finally moving forward. I’ve had three expansions of 50 cc’s so far. They put 150 cc’s in at the time of my initial surgery and took 50 cc’s out at the time of my unexpected second surgery. I am now at 250 cc’s. I will probably have another two or three fills, which will carry me through the end of the year. The doctor said about four weeks after my last fill he will do the exchange. I’m hoping early February. I can already imagine the bittersweet victory I will feel and the satisfaction of knowing I am that much closer to the infamous light at the end of the tunnel. I am anxious to see your new pictures and, also, to learn about your nipple and areola reconstruction.
I haven’t had a chance to visit the other blogs but can’t wait to hear everyones’ stories. It really helps to know I’m not alone. What you are doing is wonderful and words cannot express my thanks to you.
Sincerely,
Lisa
November 12, 2010 at 1:36 pm
Hi Michelle!
i know we have already caught up via email,but felt i needed to reply ion here also =)
Surgery went well. For otherds on here, i got the ‘gummy’ implants (Allergan 410′s) in moderate height,extra full projection in the 370gram size.
I am healing well but my left side has ‘dropped’ so i am looking odd right now =( I am just waiting for an appointment with my PS. It may be that the other side will drop to match but the skin seems less loose on the right so i don’t think it is going anywhere. I am hoping i dont have to have more surgery but if i have to then i will.
Luckily i was only in hospital one night/2 days this time so Emily had me back home pretty quickly!
xxx
November 17, 2010 at 3:34 am
Thank you for posting photos. I had a bilateral mastectomy in April 2010 and had tissue expanders placed a month ago. I was really worried the implants would feel and look like these expanders. I was pretty relieved when it stopped feeling like they were going to pop out of my chest or armpit. After they were placed, I used a pair of polyfill boobs to fill out my shirts. Now that I’ve had my first fill, my Frankenboobs are making it more difficult to look “normal”; one is practically in my collarbone and the other seems to behave a little better. I’m trying to not let that bother me but I think it’s only going to get worse. It gives me hope to see your after-implant photos. Like you, I didn’t think to take pre-mastectomy photos. I don’t know if my surgical oncologist took photos prior to surgery. It makes me sad that I can’t remember what my breasts looked like. Reconstruction is bringing out emotions I’ve kept a lid on since my cancer diagnosis; I’m glad I found your blog.
July 21, 2011 at 7:33 pm