As you may know, I now have symmastia (or synmastia) and will be soon facing my THIRD complete reconstruction surgery. My problems are rare, but I believe that if I had purchased this bra after reconstruction I would not be facing symmastia. I believe that with everything I am.

The Thong Bra basically is a specialty bra that works much better than athletic or underwire bras. I have heard of women being told to wear both types of bras 24 hours a day after reconstruction, basically to keep the breasts from moving while allowing the scar tissue over the breast bone develop to create a nice ‘pocket’ for the implants. The Thong Bra goes one step further and has a firm section that presses down on the breast bone, keeping the muscles and skin where they should be, which reduces the risks of symmastia.

I received my thong bra a little over a week ago, and although I have already developed symmastia, I can tell you that every time I put the bra on I hate to take it off. Wearing the bra is the first time I have been comfortable in months. It relieves the pressure and tightness I feel over my breast bone. It forces my implants that are too close together because of the torn pocket into the proper place and it’s a feeling of ‘ahhhhh’ to have my breasts in the right spot! I LOVE MY THONG BRA!

The bra arrives in a beautiful package that is obviously wrapped with love by the creator, Judy. The package and accompanying letter are adorned with little hearts and special touches that let you know that this is more than just a bra.

Every Thong Bra is handmade. Judy created the Thong Bra after struggling along her own journey, 13 years ago she also experienced bottoming out and symmastia. I thought my journey was tough, but I can’t imagine going through these problems 13 years ago when they were truly unheard of. She went through 3 failed surgeries and countless doctor appointments and created this bra so that you and I don’t have to face the same struggles.

And, again, although I found this bra after developing symmastia, I wish I had found this bra earlier. I believe it would have made all the difference in my recovery, and would have prevented having to go through yet another surgery.

I wore the Thong Bra to my appointment with my surgeon to discuss my symmastia repair, and he suggested that after my next surgery I should wear the Thong Bra continuously during recovery. I would anyway. It’s the best I’ve felt in months.

The Thong Bra isn’t invisible. It’s not going to hide quietly under a tiny tee. But that’s ok. I’m just going to boldly accessorize with scarves. I’d rather wear a scarf here and there than risk going through this again. Recovery seems like forever, but it’s just a few months. I will happily wear my Thong Bra every day!

Check out photos of my Thong Bra below. Want to find out more about this wonderful bra? Visit http://www.thongbra.com/

I have so far spoken with 7 doctor’s offices, left a message for another, and received a generic “You have reached…”voice mail when I called the 9^th. I didn’t leave a message with that one, already not making a very professional impression from the get go.

Of the 7 offices I actually spoke with, only 3 knew what symmastia is, although there are a lot of procedures the doctors I work for do that I don’t know about. Only 1 office had me speak with an assistant that was not only very nice and professional but knowledgeable as well. She gave me so much more information than any other office that her surgeon already stands out in my mind as the surgeon I will be using.

As a patient, I have already learned that this condition is kind of rare. Thankfully, because of this blog, I have heard from several of my BFFs that have been unfortunate to also have been through symmastia repair. It’s a relief to know I’m not alone. But as a patient of an usual complication calling the offices of ‘world renowned’ ‘specialty’ plastic surgeons, you would think the offices would treat you more like a patient and less like cattle. Some of the offices I spoke with had employees that sounded completely out of their mind with boredom and like they were only there for a paycheck. Although I will give them a break since it is the day before Christmas Eve.

I am not excited about these next steps, but I am at least content that I’m finally moving forward again and will be taking the next step soon. My biggest worry, after the thought of the pain of surgery, is that the muscle damage is already too bad for me to be able to do some of the events I have planned for next year. Although my health comes first, I will still be disappointed if I can’t make it to some of my events.

I’m sure I will keep trying to find a way!

So for a crash course in my PBM and reconstruction story, you can read the condensed version here.

After the PBM, expander phase, implant swap, and then new implants and repairs to torn muscles, I was very happy with the result. Despite the pain of the last surgery, I couldn’t believe the difference in the way the new implants looked.

During the first 6 months of recovery I noticed a problem. I have always been fearful of developing ‘uniboob’, I think because during so much of this process the chest muscles are just stretched so tight. I have found it is a common fear with women going through reconstruction. A few months after surgery, I noticed that my skin no longer seemed to be attached to my breast bone and was popping up a bit. I asked my plastic surgeon about it and he agreed, and let me know that it could get worse, but that he wouldn’t recommend repair until/if it became worse because the surgery is painful and doesn’t always work. I had really had enough of pain and couldn’t imagine another surgery.

(Photos and resource links are posted at the end of this blog post)

Since that time I have noticed ‘rippling’ on both sides, when the muscle adheres to the implants and causes a weird ripple effect on the chest. I have also found that the ‘uniboob’ (real medical term is symmastia) is getting worse. The only way to repair either problem is with surgery. If I were facing just mild cases of either of those, I would probably be content to avoid surgery. But now that I have both problems, and they have grown worse over the last few months, I have come to face the fact that I will be facing another repair surgery next year.

I also have ‘dog ears’ on both sides of my left scar. Like rippling, they are difficult to photograph, but it is annoying that I have to wear a bra all of the time, and can be embarrassing because sometimes one of them pops out of my bra and creates a lump on my breast.

The surgery to repair symmastia isn’t fun. They will be stitching the muscle and skin to my breast bone and permanently stitching different places in my pocket to reduce future movement of the implants. I have found some very helpful information from different websites about symmastia. I haven’t spoken to my plastic surgeon about this yet, but will be soon. I have found that this repair isn’t done by a lot of surgeons and may have to travel to have it performed. I have found a doctor in San Diego that does them fairly regularly and also repairs rippling by adding Alloderm instead of just removing the implants and trying again, so I’m thinking I’m going to contact his office for an appointment in January.

I don’t think I’m really upset about this. I can feel a part of me that would love to be depressed, could easily be depressed about this. But as I did research this weekend I saw so many photos of reconstructions that have gone wrong and the scars from breast cancer and treatment and I know that I am still very lucky. Although some can get through this without any complications at all, my complications have been minimal compared to some, and I’m still healthy and haven’t had to face the nightmare of being diagnosed with breast cancer and fighting for my life. It could be so much worse.

So that’s where I’m at in my much-longer-than-expected journey with PBM and reconstruction. I will be contacting surgeons that specialize in the repair of symmastia to get a feel for the plan for the future. I know the repair is pretty intense, so I won’t be planning on doing it until after the Team Courage Gazelle’s event in Morocco (The Gazelle Rally) and the Team Courage Racing event in Baja (The NORRA Mexican 1000). That puts it about June. I’m also hoping to host a breast cancer survivor/previvor retreat in June, so make sure you’re signed up for blog updates so you can sign up before the spots are filled!

I have a smile on my face and a uniboob under my shirt, and life is good. One more step forward, and everything happens for a reason. 

“The caterpillar thought her life was over, and then she became a butterfly. 

Here is another site for more detailed photos. Again, not a recommendation, only information.

Here are photos of my different stages, including rippling, dog ears, and symmastia.

I think one of the hardest parts of deciding about nipple reconstruction and the type of reconstruction has to start with the understanding that we are not going to look the way we used to. We have to say good-bye to the breast image we have in our minds from a lifetime of looking at our reflections. We have to understand that our bodies will be different. I like to think of it as New And Improved. My body isn’t really ‘improved’, but it’s still my body and I need to move forward with my life in order to be healthy.

My thoughts have gone from one extreme to the other about nipple reconstruction…I’ve thought that I would never go through it, then became kind of detached from caring, to my final decision of electing to have the surgery. There are also several options for nipple reconstruction, and I’ve done what research I can and have made that decision also.

First of all, during expanders I felt so freakish. Looking in the mirror they were disfiguring and painful to look at. At that point you really have no idea what your final results will be and have little faith that you will ever faintly resemble a ‘real’ woman again. What’s the point of going through another surgery to attach nipples to such freakish breasts? Looking down you just see big round smooth things. Really, sticking nipples on those things would totally ruin the stupid round softball effect, so why bother?

I noticed as I put on my bras I was more aware than ever that I was missing nipples. Doing such a feminine thing made me WANT to feel more feminine and whole. It sounds crazy, but in my mind I could vividly see the way my breasts once looked in lacy things, and I missed seeing nipples thru lace. I missed wearing a night shirt that was tight and driving my husband a little mad. I STILL, over a year after my mastectomy, am aware during intimate moments that there are scars across my breasts and not nipples, and it’s an unwelcome thought during a time that should be free of distractions. But the thought of not being ‘whole’ pops up at the strangest times. And I’d be lying to you if I told you anything different.

No more constant reminders of my freakish body every time I move and feel the expanders under my skin. No more sadness or the gut wrenching feeling when seeing my scarred body with hard plastic deformed balls that look glued to my chest. No more trips to the doctor to have my expanders filled, causing tightness and pain for days. No more wondering when my next surgery will be, or what I will look like when this is all over. No more fear of my implant falling further down my abdomen.

I no longer feel like a freak 24 hours a day.

This is not to say that I don’t have my moments still of emotions and mental difficulties. Although I feel more comfortable and I’m not constantly reminded by pain of what my body has been through, I still see myself in the mirror every day and see my scars. I see my nipple-less breasts that almost look and feel normal. Seeing scars stretched across such a feminine area is difficult. It is a reminder of the trials of the past year.

But I am getting back to normal. Being busy helps a lot, and it’s also helpful that I’m not so obviously freakish when wearing clothes. I can lay on my stomach and wear bras and look completely normal in my clothes. My breasts feel real to the touch, which I never would have believed would be possible, especially during the expander stage.

I still have to be very careful because of my muscle damage. I can’t lift much of anything, less than 20 pounds only. I can’t run, jog, bounce, ride horses or motorcycles or in a race car. I can’t push or pull or lean forward for long periods of time. If I over-do it, I can definitely feel the left implant become a little unsettled from where it should be, and it’s a very scary and disturbing feeling. I don’t ever want to have to go through muscle repair again. And if you know me, you know I’m excitable and impulsive, and it’s been so helpful to have people that care about me around me to make sure I behave.

My breasts look ok. They almost look real. These implants are much closer together than my last ones, so I actually have cleavage instead of a huge gap between my breasts. If you really look, you can tell the cleavage is a little odd. My skin was pulled away from my breast bone and the implants actually touch there in the center of my chest. It’s a little strange because the skin doesn’t go all the way to my body like it should, and the implants are very close together. I have a tremendous fear of waking up one morning and discovering the skin has tightened up and made a little bridge between the breasts, creating a uni-boob. I seriously check every morning to make sure everything is still in place…no falling boobies or uni-boobs. So far, so good.

I’ve been fortunate to be able to work for NORRA exclusively for the last few weeks, and this will continue through May. It’s wonderful, because it’s an amazing organization and I’m surrounded by incredible people. And the craziest thing is that here I am, making my childhood dreams come true, and it all started with a lump in my breast. I never would have found NORRA, or started Team Courage, without that awful discovery. I believe there is good in every bad, you just have to look for it sometimes.

I’ve been able to put more time into Team Courage also. I hope to have my truck ready for the Mexican 1000 in May. That is a NORRA event, and I won’t be able to drive it in the event, but I hope to have it there and hope to see it cross the finish line of the 3 day, 1000 mile rally down the Baja peninsula.

The truck, Grace, will be moved next week to it’s new temporary home, a local shop that will be helping prep the truck. I’m excited that it will be close so that I can be a part of the prep work, which I missed so much before our last race. I’m going to Phoenix this weekend to pick up several boxes of spare parts and new body parts. I’m so excited about the body panels, they will Grace some more curves. I totally believe in the joy of big hips, and right now the only flare on the truck is over the front wheels. The new panels will flare in the rear as well, giving the truck her much needed hourglass figure.

I will have enough new panels to save my current hood and sides, and I may try to find a new door, so that I can mount an entire side and hood on my walls for decoration. I want to preserve these pieces because I have changed our logo and our sugar skull will never be seen again.

Our new logo is more feminine and friendly. The truck will be painted black to match the logo. We have a lot of work ahead of us, but I’m hopeful that it will work out. I get to do some of the welding and work on the truck, and in the end we’ll be able to race to make a difference to other women facing breast cancer and breast reconstruction. That is what makes it all worth it and wonderful at the end of the day.

Thank you so much to all of you that stay with me through this experience. I couldn’t have stayed sane without my Breast Friends, making sure I knew I was never alone for a moment. Thank you for all of the emails, the touching stories of each of you make me smile and cry, and even when I’m quiet like I have been, I’m still with you in my heart.

My first day back at work didn’t go so great, I ended up only being able to stay for a little more than an hour of my first 5 hour shift. I came back home and slept for a few hours and went back for my last 4 hour shift. I ended up taking my pain meds that night. Each day got a little better.

I had my week post-op appointment, my sutures were removed and I had a brief exam. I didn’t watch the sutures being removed because, as we’ve already established, I’m a chicken. I was hoping to have the remaining bandages removed, but they have to stay until they fall off. Everything looks good so far. I asked the doctor “What’s next?” and he replied “Now we wait and see if this works.”

I did ask him a few questions. He thought I was kind of dorky (I am), but after he laughed at me I explained that these implants are so different than my last ones, so I’m trying to figure out what the new ‘normal’ is and get familiar with my new body. Basically we established that my swelling is mostly gone. The muscle was pulled away from the lower part of my breast bone to make room for the larger implants, which then puts the implants closer together and look more natural. I still have to be very careful, it will be very easy for the muscle and Alloderm to tear again and I don’t want to go through that painful repair again.

The pain was worse than I expected, but the hardest part turns out to be this long recovery process. There is so much that I can’t do, and I’m constantly reminded of the surgery whenever I try to do something that could hurt me. Grocery shopping is a great example, I can’t lift dog food or heavy bags, and have to be careful unloading from my car. I can’t push the vaccum cleaner, and bending forward to do things like unload the dryer is painful, and even when it’s not painful, it could still cause problems with the repair. These are things I have to be careful of for maybe 6 months.

On the funny side, each night when I get home from work I practically run into my bathroom, pull up my shirt and lift off my bra to check to make sure everything is still in place. I’ll check again before going to bed to make sure that my left side is still where it should be.

I have to say that my spirits aren’t what they usually are. I try very hard to seem normal and upbeat, but it’s a struggle. I’m tired. I’m emotionally worn out. I’m constantly reminded of things I can’t do, and if you know me, you know that I’m usually asking “what’s next?” or “why not” instead of having to say ”I can’t”. I hate feeling, and actually being, weak.

Would I do it again? Absolutely. I see the photos of my breast friend Tammy as she waved at the camera last week during her last chemo appointment. I can’t imagine how difficult her path has been, and all of my other breast friends that have had to face cancer. I have done what I can to avoid there ever being a photo of me from chemo. I cry for them, these strong and amazing women and the things they have to go through. It makes my complaining about reconstruction seem trivial.

So now I’ll finally answer the question everyone has been asking me: “How does everything look??”

Two and a half weeks after reconstruction repair

Two and a half weeks after reconstruction repair

Two and a half weeks after reconstruction repair

Two and a half weeks after reconstruction repair

 And for comparison, this is a photo from about the same after the original implant swap:

Looking at the two photos, it looks like the took my boobs off and put them back on in the right place. And I think that the original implants look larger than the new ones, probably because of the placement. But the new ones are bigger around, so they fill in the the strange areas at my breast bone and under my arms. The tail of the breast was recreated by the larger implants instead of by fat transfer. I’m so thankful I didn’t have to go through the fat transfer process.

Thank you all for all of the wonderful emails and for your thoughts and prayers. I’m looking forward to next week, to see what happens next!

I know I’m fortunate, though, because I have met and found so many wonderful people during the last year. And it is so wonderful that we are all a support system for each other.

I’ve had other wonderful things happen, like my involvement with NORRA and becoming a part of the NORRA family. NORRA and Team Courage have been 2 of the main things that keep me going, after of course my family and BFFs.

Today is my last day of  ‘recovery’, I’m able to go back to work tomorrow. Although if you’ve gone through breast surgery you know that recovery tends to go on and on and on. I had my second post-op appointment today and the doctor said everything looks good for now, but we just have to hope the stitches hold. Wearing a bra 24 hours a day helps keep gravity from putting pressure on the stitches, and will hopefully be enough to allow everything to grow together properly. It will take several months for everything to heal and for the muscles to attach properly. Until then I can have ‘life as normal’ except no bouncing under any circumstances. That makes me giggle. As if reconstructed breasts could bounce! I get the idea, though, no horseback riding, off roading, jumping, or jogging.

My last surgery was one week ago tomorrow, and I’m feeling better today. I still look washed out and not so great, but I feel better. Today is the first day I can stand and sit without hurting. The places where the Alloderm was stitched to my ribs is the worst. Today is the first day that those stitches don’t burn and hurt constantly. That’s really where the feeling of being stabbed by a rusty screwdriver was the worst. The spot on my breast bone where the muscle was cut away to relieve pressure is still very swollen and tender. For the last week I’ve heard a very disturbing gurggling noise when I move certain ways, I guess it’s the blood and fluid that would normally come out through a drain. It’s loud enough to hear standing next to me, it sounds like a loud tummy growl, but it’s from my chest. That really grosses me out. I haven’t heard it today, so maybe most of the fluid has been absorbed. I won’t miss that at all.

My last implants were silicone, my new ones are memory gel. I’m still too swollen and painful to really tell a difference, but they feel softer and more real at this point. The difference between the 400 cc silicone and 550 cc gel implants is not drastic. After the swelling is down I may still wear the same size bra as before. But I can tell the biggest difference on the top and the sides of my breasts. The most disappointing aspect of my last implants was that when looking at me in a bathing suit or tank top, the sides of my ribs under my arms were wider than my breasts, which made my breast look like they were just stuck on. My last plastic surgeon called that area of the breast along the side and under my arms the tail of the breast, and had wanted to fill it in with fat transfers. My new surgeon said it could be filled in with a larger implant. Agian, I’m not sure how it will be after the swelling goes down, but for now I look much more natural. I am very happy with my results so far, and I’m thrilled that I’m not also recovering from lippo because the pain from the repair of the torn muscle and fallen implant was awful. Much worse than the implant swap. It was very similar to the pain following the mastectomy, at least on the damaged side.

My dog, Cesar, and my cat, Callie, have been by my side non-stop. And sometimes closer, if possible. I spent the last week sleeping, with an afgahan made by my great aunt and a quilt made by my grandmother before I was born. This is how Cesar tries to make things better.

As for results so far, this was a photo taken 5 days post op from my first implants….

Implants 5 Days Post Op

This is a photo 5 days after my repair and new implants…

5 days post op 2nd implant swap

So, there you go! Hopefully I will manage to take it easy over the next 3-6 months and that this repair will hold. I don’t know what will happen if it doesn’t, if that means I won’t be able to have another reconstruction. I did find out that I will eventually be able to off road again, and I will be able to do things like kite board like I dream of doing. So that’s great news. I just have to keep my body parts from falling off for the next 6 months. Keeping all fingers crossed!

I hope that 2011 is a wonderful year for you all, and that you are all as happy and healthy as you can be.

I’m home from the hospital and alive and kicking. Not really kicking, but I like to pretend I’m tough. And it feels like someone, or maybe a horse, kicked me in the chest.

It was very strange going to the hospital and not having to drive for 3-4 hrs first. It was actually very nice. I was nervous at first, because this procedure was being done in the same hospital where I had the awful experience after my blood clot. But the staff was wonderful and I never had a moments concern.

There were some things that were different this time, silly enough one of the biggest was the paper gown. I hate going to surgery becuase I always freeze on the table. This hospital had gowns with little hook ups for warm air to be pumped into to keep me warm. The gown also went all the way to my feet and had a little pouch for your hands. It was pretty nifty.

The doctor came in and drew his little marks on me so that once I was laying down he could tell where everything should be. He drew a line under the left side, and I said “But you’re going to bring that side up, right?” and he said he couldn’t promise, but he was going to try. That really stressed me out, but what else could he say, really? I had talked to the doctor that would be putting me under and told her about reactions I had before and she decided to just give me half of the first medicine to knock me out, to see if I was ‘a light touch’ because she thought maybe I didn’t need as much to put me under as most people. This lead to a funny experience. I was still awake when they got me into the operating room. My nurse asked me what I do for a living, I told her I have an off road race team. I could hear people in the room “What???” , everyone sounded surprised, but one of the nurses told me her dad has a 1600 buggy and races Baja too. Then the lights went out and I was gone.

When I woke up, I was immediately aware of 3 things. The first was that I could tell my implant wasn’t hanging down any more. The second was that he had done a lot of repairing because I hurt like hell on the left side. My right side doesn’t hurt at all. But my left side feels almost like it did when I came home from my mastectomy. It hurt a lot. No, more like A LOT!

The third thing I noticed was that there were cows looking at me from behind the door of my bathroom.

The nurses were very sweet and tried to keep my pain down. But then I knew that if they kept giving me medicine I wouldn’t be able to get up, and I just wanted to go home. So I started turning down the shots and injections and choked down a graham cracker so they would let me go. I arrived at 8am and left at 2:30 pm.

I have been pretty out of it ever since I have been home. I did get up this morning to go to my post-op visit, but it seems like a dream now. I do remember some of the important things he told me.

• I must wear a tight underwire bra basically 24 hours for the next 3 months
• I can lift only my toothbrush for the next week or so. I can only use my arms to brush my teeth and wash my face.
• I can’t shower until Friday
• This repair my not last forever
• I need to take it very, very easy for awhile and protect my chest very much.

I expected this repair to hurt, I expected it to feel like it did after the expansions. But it hurts much worse than that. He told me that the muscle and the Alloderm had both torn. He had to cut the pectoral muscle again, where it attaches to my breast bone, so that it would relieve some pressure and hopefully not tear the Alloderm again. He had to attach the Alloderm to my ribs to try to keep it down and in place. He said I might get those hollow places above my chest again, but there’s not really anything that can be done to prevent it.

I feel much better having the implant fixed. It was starting to hurt a little, the way it was pulling on my muscles and moving around. It feels great to have it secured. As long as I am laying down I hurt very little, but when I sit or stand up I can feel the pressure where the Alloderm is stitched to my ribs and where the cut was made at my breastbone. That’s going to take the longest to get over. I’m also a side sleeper, and it was hard not sleeping on my side after my other surgeries, but I don’t think you could pay me enough to sleep on my side right now. I feel like I have been stabbed with a huge, rusty screwdriver. There’s no way I want to move in a way that might hurt.

So, I feel like I’ve been kicked and stabbed, but I feel better. It’s a huge relief on my mind to not have that implant hanging down any more. HUGE RELIEF. It was really bringing me down.

So, here are 2 photos to compare…the first one was the day after my implant swap. The second one was taken this morning. Oh, and YAY! NO DRAINS this time!

1 Day Post Op with Drains

1 Day Post Op After Repair of Failed Implant

I can take the bandages off on Friday, then there will be steristrips like before that I will leave on for awhile. I go back to the doctor on Monday.

Thank you all for all of your thoughts and kind messages, I couldn’t make it through without all of you!

I’ve had some interesting conversations lately with some of the girls at work. One in particular is very opposed to reconstruction. She says she wouldn’t care if her breasts shriveled up and went away (interesting psychology there too, huh?), but if she had a mastectomy she would never go through reconstruction. We argued our positions a bit, and I said “Do you want to see photos of what a person would look like without reconstruction, or after?” She said “No, I’ve already seen my friends breasts, she had implants, it’s all the same.” At which point my head spun around and almost popped off of my body, but only on the inside. On the outside I smiled, I’m sure it wasn’t a pretty one, and said “If you REALLY want to piss me off, keep talking about how this is remotely like implants.” The girl with implants, a nurse, was standing there listening. She’s actually been a big supporter of me. Actually, a lot of people were listening, it was one of those ‘moments’. Then someone made a joke and the moment passed and I felt like an ass for getting sucked in to her opinion. Here I am, telling my breast friends how important it is to let go and to understand that we can’t get mad at others for not acting the way we want or need them to, and yet I get sucked in too. It’s easy. We’re so vulnerable and want to be accepted and it does hurt when people say stupid things. Sometimes we want just a little bit of kindness and instead get a stupid comment, or worse, nothing at all. I think that this part of my journey is the hardest so far. But I look fairly normal in clothes, and I try to always have a great attitude and not show my worry or stress or fears. Most people no longer ask how I am, or how I’m doing. It’s okay, I understand life goes on, but some days are just harder than others.

I’m excited as I move forward, but frightened too. I did talk to my plastic surgeons office about the Alloderm…he says that the surgery is still possible, but that there is often a lot of scar tissue when Alloderm is used and he can’t be certain that the shape of my new breasts will be as good as he hoped. He’s going to try, and he won’t know until he gets in there, but he’s going to do what he can. I’m going to be deformed either way, I’ll never look natural, so I guess it’s all relative, hmm?

I have been avoiding looking at myself since the implant swap in November. Looking at myself simply takes the wind out of my sails, it’s very hard to see what I look like at the moment. And I think that with all my moaning and groaning about how unhappy I am about my implants and reconstruction so far, it really doesn’t mean anything if you can’t see what I see. So I thought I would post additional photos, taken tonight, so that you can see exactly what I don’t want to look at. It hurts me to look at these photos.

You can see very clearly here the problem. You can see that my left side (on the right) is much lower than the other side. You can also see that there is less breast tissue above the breast, making it look similar to the strange ‘stuck on’ look of the expanders. Underneath that side, you can clearly see where the implant has slid out from under the Alloderm after my stitches let go, and the way the shape of the implant is being deformed as it gets squeezed through the opening between my abdomen and the Alloderm. Yay me!

It’s very easy for me to freely move the implant around. You can also see that if the implant were in the correct spot, my scars would be more even, although the hollow spot above the breast may always be there, even after the next surgery. The flash really shows the scars and stretch marks, but they aren’t so visible in real lighting.

Here you can see that the ‘dog ears’ on my other side are healing and going away, and that breast doesn’t look so square any longer. My left side still has ‘dog ears’ but will be corrected during the next surgery.

None of this hurts, except to look at, and I feel fine physically, but this is kind of difficult to see. It’s a worry, to think of another surgery, and wonder if anything else will go wrong or if this surgery will be one of my last. I’m really hoping this is one of my last. I’m really hoping that I’ll get through this one with flying colors.

On the good side…my bloodwork is all finished so no more getting poked by needles for an entire week! My labs are all in, for both my surgery and all of my genetic testing for everything else (not BRCA tho). My physical is finished and was painless. My doctor did address my current medication for SAD and made a change, so I’ll be switching meds tomorrow (I haven’t been taking my other ones). I’ve re-joined my gym down the street and can’t wait to start working out again. When I had my first surgery in January I weighed 135 pounds. Today I weighed 143. I really want to weigh 120-125 when I go to Baja in May. We’ll see! It’s only a little over 5 months until the Mexican 1000 and NORRA is making headway on getting prepared. My friend Token didn’t disappear after all, and my son has worked hard and pulled all of his grades up into a higher average and has relieved some stress around the house. This weekend we’re doing Christmas shopping, what little we’re doing this year, but it’s still fun. So I’m determined to look at all the good stuff, and to continue to avoid looking in the mirror.

Thank you all so much for all of the wonderful and kind words of support. I am looking forward to what 2011 brings. Love to you all.

And just in case you’re wondering, here’s the different stages so far…

Before Mastectomy

Expanders After 9 Months

1 Day Post Op with Drains

Implants 5 Days Post Op