Getting Out More
I had another visit with the massage therapist again today. It took a few days of sleeping with heating pads to start to feel better, but I did get better. Then last night I started feeling tight in my back and went back in today to see if it would help.
Let me say that when you are in pain, and when you have muscles giving you problems, it shouldn’t be called a massage. Maybe muscle therapy would be ok. A massage makes you think of a nice relaxing rub down that leaves you feeling cozy and comfy. That is not what my hour sessons are like at all! And, oh my God, it hurt. My pain isn’t in my butt anymore, but across my lower back. She told me that it makes sense that I’m having this problem since I’m having to power through everything with my hips. She said it’s like lifting weights with one arm all day long, it makes you sore. And I’ve been using my back to do simple things since January. So I guess I was due for some problems. I’ve also had lots of comments from other women going through breast reconstruction that have had similar pain.
Hot stone massage is delightful, and I don’t think I’ll ever pass up that opportunity again. But for one hour today all she did was work on my shoulders and my lower back and it was amazingly painful. When I dressed and left the room I felt exhausted. I felt like I had just been beat up. Tonight I’m very sore, she told me I would be, and I can’t wait to lay down with the heating pad again.
I really wanted to get the massage done today because tomorrow I leave to start my journey to San Felipe, Baja. There is a big race there this weekend. I’m going on a personal trip, not related to NORRA. I have a lot of friends that will be racing, or down there to support different teams, so I’m headed down there for a few days of fun. I’m meeting one of my Team Courage teammates, Betsy, and spending the night with her, then we’ll cross the boarder Friday morning. We’ve been invited to a huge clam bake, and we’ve rented a house on the ocean. I am so excited! Last year during the Mexican 1000 I never had a chance to visit the ocean or the Sea of Cortez. I love the ocean and it was sad to be so close and not be able to enjoy it. So I’m thrilled to be going down there again without any schedule at all. I can’t wait! Then I’ll return for a week and a half before going back out to Colorado for a week and a half to be with Jamie during his spring break. I’m sure I’ll enjoy that more than he will, but I’m going to try!
So, the frogs and the coyotes are singing, letting me know it’s time to relax for the night.
Getting Back To Normal
I am now almost 13 months from my bilateral mastectomy. 4 months from my first implant swap with silicone implants. 3 1/2 months from damaging my surgery site and the falling of my left implant. 7 weeks from my second implants swap and horribly painful muscle repair. And for the first time since I found the lump in my breast I feel like I’m moving forward with my life.
No more constant reminders of my freakish body every time I move and feel the expanders under my skin. No more sadness or the gut wrenching feeling when seeing my scarred body with hard plastic deformed balls that look glued to my chest. No more trips to the doctor to have my expanders filled, causing tightness and pain for days. No more wondering when my next surgery will be, or what I will look like when this is all over. No more fear of my implant falling further down my abdomen.
I no longer feel like a freak 24 hours a day.
This is not to say that I don’t have my moments still of emotions and mental difficulties. Although I feel more comfortable and I’m not constantly reminded by pain of what my body has been through, I still see myself in the mirror every day and see my scars. I see my nipple-less breasts that almost look and feel normal. Seeing scars stretched across such a feminine area is difficult. It is a reminder of the trials of the past year.
But I am getting back to normal. Being busy helps a lot, and it’s also helpful that I’m not so obviously freakish when wearing clothes. I can lay on my stomach and wear bras and look completely normal in my clothes. My breasts feel real to the touch, which I never would have believed would be possible, especially during the expander stage.
I still have to be very careful because of my muscle damage. I can’t lift much of anything, less than 20 pounds only. I can’t run, jog, bounce, ride horses or motorcycles or in a race car. I can’t push or pull or lean forward for long periods of time. If I over-do it, I can definitely feel the left implant become a little unsettled from where it should be, and it’s a very scary and disturbing feeling. I don’t ever want to have to go through muscle repair again. And if you know me, you know I’m excitable and impulsive, and it’s been so helpful to have people that care about me around me to make sure I behave.
My breasts look ok. They almost look real. These implants are much closer together than my last ones, so I actually have cleavage instead of a huge gap between my breasts. If you really look, you can tell the cleavage is a little odd. My skin was pulled away from my breast bone and the implants actually touch there in the center of my chest. It’s a little strange because the skin doesn’t go all the way to my body like it should, and the implants are very close together. I have a tremendous fear of waking up one morning and discovering the skin has tightened up and made a little bridge between the breasts, creating a uni-boob. I seriously check every morning to make sure everything is still in place…no falling boobies or uni-boobs. So far, so good.
I’ve been fortunate to be able to work for NORRA exclusively for the last few weeks, and this will continue through May. It’s wonderful, because it’s an amazing organization and I’m surrounded by incredible people. And the craziest thing is that here I am, making my childhood dreams come true, and it all started with a lump in my breast. I never would have found NORRA, or started Team Courage, without that awful discovery. I believe there is good in every bad, you just have to look for it sometimes.
I’ve been able to put more time into Team Courage also. I hope to have my truck ready for the Mexican 1000 in May. That is a NORRA event, and I won’t be able to drive it in the event, but I hope to have it there and hope to see it cross the finish line of the 3 day, 1000 mile rally down the Baja peninsula.
The truck, Grace, will be moved next week to it’s new temporary home, a local shop that will be helping prep the truck. I’m excited that it will be close so that I can be a part of the prep work, which I missed so much before our last race. I’m going to Phoenix this weekend to pick up several boxes of spare parts and new body parts. I’m so excited about the body panels, they will Grace some more curves. I totally believe in the joy of big hips, and right now the only flare on the truck is over the front wheels. The new panels will flare in the rear as well, giving the truck her much needed hourglass figure.
I will have enough new panels to save my current hood and sides, and I may try to find a new door, so that I can mount an entire side and hood on my walls for decoration. I want to preserve these pieces because I have changed our logo and our sugar skull will never be seen again.
Our new logo is more feminine and friendly. The truck will be painted black to match the logo. We have a lot of work ahead of us, but I’m hopeful that it will work out. I get to do some of the welding and work on the truck, and in the end we’ll be able to race to make a difference to other women facing breast cancer and breast reconstruction. That is what makes it all worth it and wonderful at the end of the day.
Thank you so much to all of you that stay with me through this experience. I couldn’t have stayed sane without my Breast Friends, making sure I knew I was never alone for a moment. Thank you for all of the emails, the touching stories of each of you make me smile and cry, and even when I’m quiet like I have been, I’m still with you in my heart.
Making A Difference At The Powder Puff
So you probably know by now about Team Courage, what we think of as our “Promotional Department”. The team is our avenue to be out in the public and reaching people, hopefully to make a difference with what women are going through when facing breast cancer as well as raising awareness for our fund raising efforts through Courage Is My Strength.
The team’s first race is on October 9th in Barstow, CA. It’s the Powder Puff race, all women drivers, and the proceeds go to the Cedars Sinai hospital for breast cancer research. It’s a very exciting race, but even more exciting for me because October will be one year since I put together the idea of Team Courage, and to be able to put together a truck and a team within a year and make it to our first race is amazing. I’ve had lots of great help from wonderful people, without a doubt, and it’s so exciting to see this dream come true so quickly.
I have added a DONATE page to the top of this website. Right now we are on a fund drive for the Powder Puff. Our goal is to raise $2500, which will allow us to donate to Cedars Sinai, and even more exciting, pay for 10 mammograms for women that don’t qualify for other funding such as Komen and other breast cancer organizations. There are still women getting turned away from the testing they need, and those are the women we’re trying so hard to help.
Every donation, even $5, helps so much. I know that not everyone can donate, and I understand how hard times are for everyone. If there is anything at all that you can do to help us help others it would be appreciated from the bottom of my heart. We don’t want to just show up at the Powder Puff, we want to be able to make a big difference to other women from our very first event.
Thank you so much for your thoughts and support as we get closer to this monumental day.
A Very Productive Day
Today was spent pretty much all day in the car. I rode down to Malibu with Mike, friend and President of NORRA (National
Off Road Racing Association), so that we could go over rules and regulations for the 2011 Mexican 1000. Mike tends to get distracted easily, so when he’s captive in his car we get a lot more done. We were able to have a conference call with Ken, the Rally Master, and we were able to accomplish all of our goals for the day, so it was a very good day. I’ve included a photo of me with Mike and Ken from the Bay of LA in Baja during last year’s Mexican 1000.
After finishing our work we had a great dinner at Paradise Cove in Malibu. It was wonderful. Reminded me a lot of one of my favorite places on the planet, The Crab Shack on Tybee Island in Georgia. More upscale, but same feel. We had a HUGE appetizer of calimari, which I love. The photo doesn’t do it justice, the glass was over a foot tall. It was heavenly to pig out while listening to the waves.
I don’t think I have the words to express what the ocean means to me. Although I grew up in Georgia, I didn’t get to go to the ocean much, and I really didn’t like Florida beaches very much. I do have a crazy memory, though, of St. Augustine. My biological dad was still alive, so I wasn’t yet four, and we drove down in our big Cadillac and spent a week there. I had a great time playing in the tide pools while my dad watched. I was a daddy’s girl, and loved playing next to the car in the water. I remember I was playing, then looked over my shoulder at the horizon because I heard thunder. I saw a huge bird over the horizon, stretching all the way across the horizon (I know this isn’t possible, but keep reading). I said something to my dad about the huge bird, and he asked me to tell him what I saw. I said that a huge bird was coming over the world, over the ocean with it’s wings spread. He told me that I was seeing a Thunderbird, and that I was very lucky, it only showed itself to a very few people.
That afternoon it started raining. We went to eat at a nice resturant on the beach and it started storming in earnest. We left the resturant only to find a flood. Most cars were stranded in the parking lot, but my dad’s car started right up and we drove out, although I had to keep my feet on the seat because there was water inside the car. I don’t know what I really saw that day, or what it really means, but when I see the ocean I still remember the bird stretched over the horizon, looking at me.
Even though I never liked the Atlantic, I was always facinated with the ocean and sea life. I’ll spare you all of the dull details, because most people find them reeeaaaallly boring, but a few of you out there know how much the ocean means to me. It speaks to my soul, as stupid as that sounds. So finally being at the ocean was a wonderful feeling. It was great to listen to the waves while we talked business. I have a ton of typing to do for NORRA this week, and I’m thinking of going back to that beach to finish my work. We’ll see how that works out, but it would make me very happy. And as the time is really going to speed up now that we are just a few weeks until the race, I probably won’t get a chance to go back to the ocean after this week.
After dinner Mike and I were on the SoCal Off Road Radio show again, and Dave Stall and Alex did a great job of splitting the time almost half and half between NORRA and Team Courage. It was a great show, and the support of Mike, Dave, and Alex is nothing short of amazing.
It was a very exhausting day, but a great one. It’s always a great feeling when I get a lot accomplished, and although I didn’t work on Courage today, I did move forward and cross some items off of my to-do list. Hopefully the week will continue to be powerful and productive! This week needs to bring the end to our tire, spindle, and transportation search for the Powder Puff. Keep your fingers crossed for us!
My Next Countdown – 16 Days
I’ve taken my time making this post, because I know a lot of people may not understand what I’m going to do. Seems like I do those sort of things all the time! But now that I have my Courage Family, it matters to me what each of you think! However, I’m prone to taking huge risks, and known to be somewhat of a gypsy, and I just can’t change my ways.
If I Have Only One Message To Share…
I am so sorry for the long post, please forgive me and try to read thru it! It is written from my heart and means so much.
If I could only share one message, it would be the message of the profound ways my life has been touched and changed in the year since I found the lump in my breast. To put things into perspective:
13 months ago I was working at a horse farm, mucking stalls and driving tractors. I was waiting out a non-compete contract
on the videography/photography business I sold. That month the buyers defaulted on a $40,000 loan I held, I found a lump in my breast, my brother was in prision, my mother was sick, and my husband’s job was going down the toilet.
12 months ago I was reconnected (through FaceBook of all things!) with two of my dearest old friends that were living in Colorado. They offered my husband a job in Glenwood Springs and we moved to make life better.
11 months ago I was hired at Land Rover and almost immediately was able to join in on an incredible adventure to British Columbia. The BC trip featured monumental off roading and the meeting of many great new friends, and two friends that I hope will be in my life for the rest of my days. Token and Hubby B.
8 months ago I went with the same group to Baja, and met Larry Roeseler, and was able to experience a Baja 1000 course. That trip changed my life in so many ways. I don’t have the words to relate to you how my soul was touched, not only by my friends and the racing and the environment. I clearly remember laying awake in my tent, looking at the stars above, listening to the sea pound against the shore. There were coyotes howling, and seals barking, and just the wild wind and sea and animals filling my ears
while a fear of cancer raged inside me. I cried a lot on that trip, and my friends were patient, and I was exactly where I wanted to be, but more frightened than ever before.
7 months ago I received help through Susan G Komen to get my diagnostic testing. I had my 1st exam, instead of 1 lump they found 6. They sent me for an ultrasound and mammogram, both which should have taken a total of an hour and ended up taking over 2 hours. My breasts were full of cysts, and ultrasounds and mammograms would be ineffective for the rest of my life. I would need MRIs every 6 months for the rest of my life to make sure I caught any cancerous growth right away. I was scheduled for a MRI the following week. I
found out I did not have cancer, and that I could lower my risks by having double mastectomies. I learned about the lack of funding and insurance coverage for other women needing MRIs to detect cancer. I thought there had to be some way I could take this and make it right. I heard people telling me I was courageous, and strong. I felt that I didn’t have any other choice. I couldn’t find information about what I was going to go through from a woman’s point of view, and so I started Courage Is My Strength. I came up with idea of an off road race team to raise awareness and money for other women. I called Larry to see what he thought, and called another off road friend, Ken, and they both gave me big thumbs up. So I went for it. Ken directed me to NORRA (National Off Road Racing Association) and I volunteered to help with their upcoming Mexican 1000 rally in Baja.
6 1/2 months ago I had surgery. My job was cut due to the economy and I lost my insurance.
4 1/2 months ago I was hired at my new job, far from the administrative work I’ve done for the last 15 years, I’m now wrangling the front end of a Target store, on my feet and lifting and pushing all day. It’s good for me.
3 1/2 months ago I was in Baja, an official time keeper of the Mexican 1000. NORRA became like a family to me, and the
people I met there have touched my life so remarkably. Pam found out about Courage and immediately jumped on to help, introducing me to Betsy-a talented woman that has won Baja 1000-and even announcing at the drivers meeting that I need a truck! I met so many people that have helped me so much, but this post is already too long to name them all! But Pam, Mike, Betsy, Ashley, Bob, Brendan, and Jake have all changed my life and helped make my dreams come true. And none of that would be possible without the support from Ken, Larry, my family, and the friends that stood behind me through the chasing of the dream to make things better for other women going through this.
Today my truck arrived, donated to us through a friend of Bob. It was transported from LA to Scottsdale so that my new family of tech support/pit crew/drivers can get the truck ready. I was worried about getting the truck to AZ, but NORRA has offered to help with the shipping costs. I am entered to race in the Powder Puff race with Betsy in our Team Courage Class 7 truck on October 9th in Barstow, CA. That race is an all women’s race, benefiting breast cancer research. The race will be almost to the week one year since I touched Baja soil the first time, and started on this path.
Today my YouTube channel has reached OVER 90,000 VIEWS, and I have been contacted by so many women that tell me I have taken the fear out of their future surgeries, which makes all of the pain and fear worth it. To be able to cast some light on their fears makes my own so much easier to go through.
Today I sat and cried again, not out of fear, but out of amazement of the wonderful, beautiful people now in my life, working with me to make a difference to others, and working to make this dream happen. It is amazing, and breathtaking, and unbelievable that all of this is happening around me.
I am not an emotional person, if anything I would say that I show very little emotion. Growing up I was mostly only exposed to anger and have little knowledge of how to be a normal, sweet, and loving person. But I try. But I try to seem happy all the time, and keep my emotions inside where they are nice and safe. But seeing the texted image of my truck just after it rolled off the transport truck had me sobbing like a baby, I can’t believe this has happened.
Ken, Larry, Mike, Pam, Bob, Brendan, Jake, Heather, Kelley, Betsy, Jessica, Token, Jon, and Jamie, thank you all for standing behind me, joining me in this crazy idea and dream, and helping me make it happen. I can’t tell you enough, or express it deeply or eloquently enough, how you have made a difference in my life, and touched a part of me that I didn’t really even know I had. Your friendship and support is unbelievable, and although I’m not sure I’m worthy, I am so thankful from the bottom of my heart.
And so, I guess my message would be that when you are the most frightened, and things seem so dark, if you are as incredibly lucky as I am, your friends will be there to shed light on your journey. And may you never be alone.
And to these amazing people: Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Jealousy and Smelly People
Happily on my way to LA for the NORRA party celebrating the Mexican 1000 event. It’s been one of those trips. Thanks to wonderful Aunt Joy I am flying stand-by, and of course when you fly stand-by you have to make some sacrifices. For my best chance at a seat I had to start trying to leave Denver at 6am this morning. Since we live 3+ hours from the airport I decided to get to the airport last night. I arrived at the Denver airport around 10pm last night, watched Dexter for awhile and then slept on the floor at my gate for about an hour. I woke up at 4am and have been kind of roaming around ever since.
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